It's a Small World After All and Catching Up Dinners

Walking to taekwondo tonight was a great feeling.  I love walking around on an autumn night because it is dark yet still warm.  Just sort of relaxing to walk and just think.  I wished I had somebody to walk and talk with but I feel that the night would pull me into my own thoughts instead of talking to the other person. 

I feel that my world is getting smaller.  First year obviously made my world a lot larger.  Meeting so many new people from different countries with different interests really stops a person from seeing the world with a narrow mind.  Now I settled into my clubs and the crazy amount of work I have.  I feel my world is my classes, Newcomb, and the library occasionally.  Many of the people I talked to last year and who were in my life are now gone; nowadays I mostly see the same people every day.  That is mostly due to the circumstances of a second year, but it just makes the world seem smaller.

Of course that isn’t a bad thing to only hang out with a few people.  You only really need a few close friends, but I still am in the naïve phase that I like to be friends with a lot of people, have minor conversations and just chill.  I’ll grow out of it someday but for now this is how it is.

When I do meet someone I haven’t seen for a long time, one thing I really dislike is “yeah let’s have dinner to catch up.” I’m not saying that they are bad because I would rather have those dinners than not see the person, but I don’t really like them. 

I just don’t know what to say.  You have lived without that person in your life for like a month, then after this dinner you may not see them until another month.  I rather like continual updates and at every meeting just talk about a few things, but for these dinners you have to explain everything.  It is like you have to use your time wisely because it is limited, but with a friend you should be able to talk with them whenever you need to, not just at a set time. 

The energy I have for maintain friends this year either went down, or the challenge of maintaining them went up.  As usual, I am probably just going to now do anything and let it all happen around me. 

Honorary Members

A phrase that I’ve been hearing thrown around a lot these days is “I’m an honorary member of…”  The reason I dislike that phrase is, surprise surprise, sometimes I end up thinking the same way, even though I know it is wrong. 

You act like an honorary member when you want to be a part of something like a club or community so you go to events or hang out there, but you are not an official member.  The main problem is that you feel you are an actual member, but in reality you are not.  This simple fact is what causes problems.

The first problem is that as an honorary member you are usually there for the good times or the fun activities, but when it comes to working and struggling in the group, you can just pull the “I’m not actually part of this group” card.  Being part of a group means to be part of it in good or bad times, so being able to duck out when the going gets tough reflects badly.

The next thing is you are not usually there for all events or the entire time.  So inside jokes or events that all have been exposed to make no sense to you when you come back.  Honorary members float in and out whenever they please, but there is no time to catch up with all the experiences the group had when you were gone. 

The final and probably the most important is that the group will always put their members first.  You may think that as an honorary member you deserve special treatment or that you earned a place in their community, but when push comes to shove the actual members will always win because they have something you will never have.  The innate gap between real and honorary members is the one I find the most hard to understand because people want to think they belong but in a sense they do not.

I probably didn’t get all the aspects of this but these are a few problems I’ve encountered that I just wanted to say. 

Readjustment

So why did I wait until the second week to make a back to school post? Mostly to see if how I feel is not just based on first week. 

The ship of Theseus’s paradox implies you can watch something completely change and still call it the same thing just because the changes are small and gradual.  I think the same can be said about UVA.  It is still UVA, but there are small changes that if you really care to notice them make the place seem different.  They can be small things like no bubble tea stand (why does life hate me so!) or the changed layout in Ohill or big things like the bridge being fixed and the bus system going crazy as well as all these new dorms being build that has created a new community on that part of grounds. 

Those are more external changes but there are personal changes, such as a new dorm, a new roommate, a new lifestyle pretty much.  Things that were accepted as fact before are not anymore.  The times to get to the dining hall and classes are different and I see a different roommate in the my room every day.  Now you may ask why I didn’t really face this problem last semester.  That is mostly because I mirror my schedules on my previous ones so the change wasn’t big, but since I live in a new dorm just having a mirrored schedule doesn’t take into account that change. 

Of course the most obvious change is that I’m a second year now.  Now I’m the one explaining where buildings are, what classes to take, and other random helpful tips.  UVA is very catered towards first years, especially the first few weeks.  It really does feel strange to not be a first year.  You are almost trained here to be able to say your name, year, and major without thinking about it.  It is a change of your identity at UVA.

I used to think that I’m good at adjusting to new situations and I think I can still agree on that, but I need to add something.  I may be good at adjusting to new situations, but I’m not so good at adjusting to old situations that have changed.  This readjustment is harder than I thought it would be, but I gotta suck it up. 

It has been a long time since something has actually “hit me.”  Like how when I watched K-On and I really felt that feeling that “woah I’m going to be graduating my high school.”  I’ve had many of those this week such as “this is the road I used to walk to my dorm but now there is a new path everybody takes” or when I ate with Ryan “wow I will not see him every day because we are not roommates anymore.” I don’t think I can say it has been hard on me, but all these little things I’m not used to yet. 

Much more I want to say, but to blanket all those extra things by saying I feel I’m trying to live my life as if I’m still continuing my first year instead of accepting my new status and situation.  Hopefully I’ll learn and figure it all out.