調子が出ない

So there is this series the Queen’s Thief I really like and the main character Gen is king but doesn’t really like being king so he always acts unkingly even though he is competent.  One part in the book, assassins attack him and he kills them, but they leave a gash in him.  He was screaming and complaining as his guards and attendants walked him to his room like he usually does so everybody thought, “oh he is just being normal it probably is just a scratch,” but when the doctor looks at the injury, it was almost fatal.  As the character Costis puts it.

“He [The king Gen] should have said something, why hadn’t he? Costis wondered. In fact, the king had. He had complained at every step all the way across the palace, and they’d ignored it. If he’d been stoic and denied the pain, the entire palace would have been in a panic already, and Eddisian soldiers on the move. He’d meant to deceive them, and he’d succeeded. It made Costis wonder for the first time just how much the stoic man really wants to hide when he unsuccessfully pretends not to be in pain.”

The king didn’t want to cause a panic so he acted normal so nobody worried. If he acted out of the ordinary then people would note the difference.  It is like having a big sign saying, “I’m not being normal notice me!” If you really want to hide pain you act normal and people can’t tell the difference.

In our culture it is taboo to act anything other than happy with stranger.  Only with friends and family can you act many of the emotions we have.  If somebody broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, you don’t go running around in class telling people; you tell your friends and they help you through it.  So the idea that Costis said that how many people really want to hide by unsuccessfully pretending to not be a pain is pretty interesting.

The reason this came up is today in class I was just sitting and thinking and everybody was like “Tomy is quiet” and the teacher asked me if I was ok.  I thought to myself, “If I really wasn’t ok, why would I disturb class by blatantly acting abnormal?  If I wasn’t ok, I would fake being myself and nobody can tell the difference.”  It made me think that people who pretend to not be a pain are probably calling out to people to notice that they are being abnormal, whether consciously or unconsciously.  Not saying it is a bad thing, but if the person’s real goal is to hide their feelings from others, then the best way to do it is to hide in plain sight and act normal, not by being blatantly different than normal.  

Second Week in Japan

Been another week in Japan and my first week at Waseda.  Slowly getting used to the day to day routine and finding people to chill around with.  I know I will only be in Tokyo for 6 weeks so it is hard to make lasting friendships but I guess as long as I hang out with people and am not bored that is good. 

Something I find interesting is how people’s personality seems to change based on the language they are speaking.  It is probably because they are not as fluent in one compared to another which makes them have to use different means to communicate.  I feel I say more random stuff when I speak Japanese, but others sometimes lose the ability to be funny at all when speaking Japanese.  It is pretty interesting how you have to adapt yourself based on the language you are speaking. 

I try my best to speak only in Japanese but I can’t fully communicate in Japanese so if I ever want to have a deep conversation I have to switch to English.  Like today talking to Kohei at dinner I spoke Japanese but when we were talking seriously we switched to English because that was the only way I could do it.  These conversations are when I feel bond me to other people so if I can’t do it in Japanese then how can I connect with others?  Limitations Limitations. 

I joined two clubs but in Japan it is close to the end of the semester so everybody already has their established friend groups and it is hard to penetrate them, especially since finals for them is coming up and they will have less time than they do now.  Still I just try my best to eat lunch with people and also go out to dinner with some. 

I think the scariest thing is that since it is starting over with me having no friends and being in no clubs that it feels like first year again.  That means I act like I did when I was a first year like I didn’t learn anything from it.  I am worried that I may make the same mistakes I did before like for the sake of experience doing a lot of things but not really getting anything out of it.  For example a group of Chinese students were going to go to Roppongi and I wanted to go see it but Mike, one of them members said that I will probably find it boring since everybody will be speaking Chinese and I will not understand.  That for me is something I learned first year at UVA but I was about to make the same mistake again and if it wasn’t for me finding some of my other friends first I would have probably made that mistake.  I understand that people make mistakes in life, but then one should learn from it.  If I didn’t learn from it then I feel truly stupid.  

First Week in Japan

So I’ve been chilling around in Japan for a week acting like a tourist before my program actually starts.  Went to a lot of random places in Hiroshima, Kyoto, and Nara.  Typical stuff like museums, World Heritage Sites, and temples.  Of course I think they are interesting, but I find myself always in my own world.  I had to keep telling myself to look and actually take in what you are seeing because if I didn’t I would just look without seeing and walk away.  They are interesting in the sense that they are supposed to be interesting.

 

That doesn’t mean I didn’t find enjoyment in them, but I found enjoyment in simple things that I will remember more.  For example there are many kids taking school fieldtrips and one of the things they have to do is ask tourists questions to practice their English.  This one group walked up to a couple behind them and was like “えと May I have a picture?”  I thought it was really funny and kids were good natured so I was laughing.  They noticed me and asked me to join in their picture.  Now I am in some random middle schoolers’ field trip picture.  I found that really cool, perhaps even cooler than the centuries old temple in the background of the picture. 

As usual I do what I normally do when I’m not at school and haven’t talk to people.  I seem to grow super inverted when I’m outside of school.  I don’t try to approach people and talk to them though the best time to do that is probably while in a different country so I can interact with locals.  When I exited the restaurant today I realized it was 7:30ish so it was already dark.  Though I guess I am a morning person, meaning I can get up early and do work without being cranky, my favorite time is probably right after the sun goes down.  It isn’t too cold but it is dark outside, perfect for a walk.  Since this is my first time being out that late in Kyoto (gasp so late right haha) I decided to go for a walk.  Even in this busy city it was pretty quiet while I was walking.  Only a few people on bikes cruising around.  I guess it doesn’t matter which country I am in as long as I can walk around like this I am satisfied.

While walking I realized that I haven’t talk to people.  I mean that is usual when I’m abroad but I’m usually with my dad so there is someone I normally communicate with.  At school obviously I’m talking to people but for this entire week traveling alone I have really only ordered food and said some basic stuff to the train people.  I don’t think I could stand it if I was in that state for too long.  Good thing school is starting back up so I will probably have the motivation to make friends and talk to people.  Until then it is just packing and heading back to Tokyo.