Standing Still

First post of break. I expected I would have more motivation to write but then life gets in the way so no feeling to write.  Been keeping myself busy by reading, programming, doing internship work and learning Japanese.  I have to say, I’m pretty content with doing this for 3 months..and I hate that.

I hate that I can be content with sitting in my room and just doing things to amuse me.  I guess people will think I’m weird, one that I can amuse myself well enough to not really care about things and two that I dislike that.  To the first, if you know me, I am easily amused and whatever keeps my mind moving is enough to distract me.  To the second, well that may require more words.

I’ve always been pretty solitary and have survived like that, but I also lack a lot of drive to do things.  Maybe that is just a human thing of staying in our comfort zone.  I’m pretty passive, going along with cool things as they come along, but never able to instigate them myself.  The bad thing is my mind is ok with that, and I let life slip away from me.  I could walk into UVA in 3 months and not feel my whole summer was used unwisely, even when it was. 

Maybe it is just something of this generation that always needs to do things and feels relaxing is wasting time, but I guess I’m swept up in that to.  I need to say concretely “I did this during the summer.” That also may be a wrong way to think; I don’t even know what to think. Something just tells me what I’m doing right now is wrong, and that is it wrong that I can so easily accept it.  

Cognitive Dissonance in Life

I usually have some intro stuff before I say what I want to say, but I got nothing so I'll just say it: this society is way too utilitarian.  No not really in the econ sense of the word, but in the sense that we must give a reason for everything we do.  There has to be some good or benefit in our actions.  I guess this reasoning is derived from the idea that we have a limited time on this Earth, but I don't know if it truly makes sense to me.

Some of it does of course.  I go to school for the payoff of a job in the future.  Then I will work a job so I get the benefit of cash, which I can use to get things I want.  In that sense, our lives are spent doing things for the sake of something else.  We don't really have to like the process as long as we like the end result.  

That sort of means that things don't have their own value, just a derived value.  Money is only valuable because it gets you things.  Work can be seen the same way since one primarily does it for money.  But can all activities be classified this way? The answer is yes they can be, but they really shouldn't be.  

In my life I have many examples of this, but I guess the best is Japanese.  If we must give a reason for everything we do I can say "it can get me a good job," "knowing another language is helpful," "I use a different part of my brain that helps my thinking skills," etc.  The thing is, none of those are wrong.  I could say these statements and believe them because they are all true and no one can refute it.  But in the end, it is all just rationalization.  I am not learning Japanese for a job or to boost my brain, I'm just doing it.  

The worth of an activity shouldn't just be valued on the end benefit.  Sometimes we just need to dedicate ourselves to the deed and not to the outcome.  I guess that is what we consider playing (adults can play too!) Growing up can be cruel as it makes us forget this natural idea as we get bogged by responsibilities and work.  For the few that can find something the truly enjoy and get payed for it, I'm impressed.  For the rest, it is the times we play in life that we want to talk about, want to express to others, and what ultimately keeps us sane.

Oh and Happy Birthday Fawzia!

Blank Slate

My friend reminded me that in the high school quarter system that it is the fourth quarter, so that means that school is drawing to a close.  That means another year is over and another group of people are graduating from high school or college.  For me it means that my first year at UVA will be done.  I don’t really want to write a reflection post on my first year because that would be way too long, so I’ll just stick with one topic. 

Sometimes I feel I understand what I am doing and how I justify my actions based on the fact I have been with me for so long, but one thing about myself I still can’t come to grips with.  Whenever I go into a new environment, I forget my past and neglect it.  Confusing right?  Might as well explain it using college as an example. 

College for all should be somewhat a fresh start, new people, new environment, etc. For some reason, when I went to college, my life was “reset” so to speak.  It was like I started at age 0 and nothing from the past was relevant anymore.  It was almost like 18 years of my life vanished. 

It was only during fall break in the first semester did I realize I innately did this.  Coming home was weird and I felt I forgot it all.  It made me remember that the new friends I made in 2 months had 18 years of life before meeting me.  It shook me how easily I rejected my past. 

I don’t know if this is what people mean when they say they want a blank slate in college.  I think saying you want a blank slate means you want to try to start things over, but embedded in that wish means you have to reject some of your past.  It is impossible to start fully from year 0, and even though my mind got close, I realized it isn’t the right approach to life. 

So people who are transitioning to college, workforce, any higher education, etc., I say do not wish to have a blank slate.  The memories and experiences in your life are yours and will be a part of you forever.  To reject that is a fault in thinking.  It is probably a fault I committed accidentally, but that is no excuse for me.  

Changed by Experience

So I’m confused about something.  They say that every experience changes a person and I think I can believe that.  What I’m confused about is the expression or manifestation of the change.  Reason I was thinking of all this was spring break.  People traveled to many different places, which is a new experience and would change them, yet we all came back and went back to our daily routines.  Where is the change?  How is it expressed? 

Yeah a lot of people went here

When I talked to the study abroad lady, she said one of the greatest struggles for a returning student is the problem that they have so much to say but nobody to listen to them.  I understand that completely because I felt the same way after coming back from visiting India during high school.  I went from being surrounded by so many people to being by myself in my room and I really wanted to tell people about my experience, but since others did not go through the experience how can they care?

Nobody to tell things too!

So back to people after spring break.  They traveled, they came back.  Do they not have stories about their experience they are dying to tell?  Do they not want to explain how they have changed?  I doubt every experience has a drastic change on a person but it could just be a minor change.  Without vocalizing it, it can be easily forgotten or ignored.

This all may just be a stupid thought.  “Why so expectant of a change; they only wanted to relax for a few days and that’s all.” My friend once told me that we don’t reflect on our lives during the happy times because we are in the moment, so why do I expect people to react any differently in this situation?  Maybe I just have a different view of experiences.

Is this really all we do during break...

Stuff like travel or any experience.  Is it just to do something different, something that is out of our normal day?  There is the grime that gathers by doing the same thing all the time.  It is a film on our eyes so that we can’t really see ourselves.  Just having a different experience allows us to take a good look at ourselves.  Maybe something is different out there, maybe through new people or interesting surroundings, but in the end it all reflects back to us.  Does that difference make us recognize something about ourselves and what does it mean for the future?

I don’t know if others think this way about experiences but I don’t feel that we can or should stay put after having one.  Maybe I’m just an open person who likes to talk, but I want to share my experiences with others, both for me to solidify my transformations and for others to understand alongside me .  

The Right Amount of Living Space (and Me Going off Topic)

So a lot of people have been looking for housing or already found it and for many one of their criteria is how much space they got.

It really makes me thing how much space do I need and what is the right amount of space.  At home I have two rooms: a sleeping room and a study room.  In reality my study room is just a huge storage spaces for the books I've collected over the years while I sit in a corner on my computer (like I'm doing now!) I definitely can survive with less space.

The only other place I've lived in for an extended period of time is my dorm.  Now since I've lived there for a long time, I think it is safe to say I can survive with that little space.  Still, I don't know if it is the right amount of space.

People may know that my room's messiness is based on my attitude, though I think it is opposite than most.  When I'm relaxed my room is messy and when I'm stressed my room is clean.  The reason is when I'm busy I like to take cleaning breaks to relax hence a clean room while stressed.  During those relaxed times,  my side feels like there is no room, so I could say my dorm doesn't have enough space because I feel like my messiness is surrounding me when I'm relaxed.


Those are the only two places I have to go on, so there is no real answer at the end of this blog.  I definitely don't need that much space.  Maybe it is best to make a list of things I need space for.


Things I need space for:
space to throw books I'm using at the moment that I can reach easily
Computer and a place to put paper to write on
area to place my clothes before I want to put them away
shelves to stick my mini library of books
pacing room (useful not for thinking, but for rocking out to music...)
sleeping (can't forget that since I'm tall)
clothes area

Hmm just writing this out just makes me realize how I'm just not in my dorm.  I leave early in the morning and don't come back until around a few hours before I go to sleep.  Probably because I sat in my room for 18 years I just want to chill around and not go back.  Still it is always nice to have a good area to come back to (see how I brought it back to living area). Since I'm usually not in my dorm it may seem I can survive in any place, but at the end of the day I think we all want a nice home with enough room to give us comfort.

I'll just be happy I don't live in this
Capsule Hotels in Japan

Learning Piano

I had to make one...but first time though

So one of the few things I came into college wanting to learn is how to play the piano.  Having a classical background because of guitar, I felt that the learning curve will be more gentle to me, and I was right.  Still it has been hard going.  I have been sneaking into Brown to use their piano and going to Old Cabell at odd hours to practice. Shoutout to my teacher Arden for being awesome and telling me where I am wrong!

Oh Scales...

There are so many random things that pianists need to know: scales, intervals, technique, sight reading, pieces, etudes, etc.  I've tried to hit many of them but it is hard to be well rounded.  Scales: I know C, G, D, and A major (yes Arden I've been trying other scales).  One handed, two handed, contrary motion, I'm trying to do them all.  Something I do need to work on is playing scales without looking at my hand.

Why you so fast Hanon?

For etudes I'm using Hanon's Virtuoso Pianist, which are fundamentally easy so one can practice technique and speed.  I only know the first three...(out of 60) so there is still plenty to learn from that.  I just can't get those fast because the figure patterns are not what I'm used to with my guitar knowledge.

I think it gets pleasure through mocking me

Now for the actual pieces.  I only know about 3. I am learning pieces that I can play at my level and some stretch pieces that take a while to play.  One thing I have to say for this TOMY LEARN BASS CLEF ALREADY.  But seriously knowing only part of it and having to count from there is a pain, but I don't know an efficient way to learn bass clef.

Yeah just wanted to post my progress after about 2 months of self-teaching/having Arden tell me what to do.  Good break from schoolwork that we have to do for a grade.

Snow Day!

I found today interesting enough that I felt I should blog about it. Woke up at 8 to see my SR’s email that classes are canceled.  Not knowing what else to do, a few people in my hall and I made the trek down to Ohill to grab some food to see they only have pastries.  Then chilled in my floor’s lounge for the day.  Someone realized that even though our dorm had no power, there was emergency power to…the TV! Yeah so we hooked up some extension cables to the TV and 5^th floor had power!  Video games and non-homework related shenanigans ensued so my day has been spent wisely.  

Cool Setup

Some things for some reason I remembered:

1) Why in the world did my dorm have WiFi yet no power?  IT people are that good.

2) The blue glow light in the night that signified that our power was going to go out was supposedly very beautiful 

3) The construction workers were still working in the snow. Sad sad

4) People complaining in the morning that Dominos didn't deliver

5) Trees falling everywhere!

6) Why does the TV have emergency power instead of say the study rooms or the hot water maker?

7) Everybody is complaining that our lounge is too hot and some one says "we should plug in a fan?" Then another person responded "where do you think we live? Old dorms?"

8) Rob saying "They didn't realize that us having no power would actually increase our video game playing time" 

9) Our floor becoming a pilgrimage site because we hooked up a microwave to the power so people came to warm up their food

Have to say a fun day of goofing off with people on my floor I never see at any other time.