The Pride of Tragedy

I was watching Honey and Clover today (great show btw) and it made me realize something.  So the main girl has an unrequited love for a boy.  A lot of what happens in the show is her crying and feeling sad about  how she is not good enough.  She purposefully goes into situations she knows she will be hurt in to “face the truth.” Another guy likes her but she refuses to associate with him.  Her reason is that her love for the other guy will be false then.  It is not that hard to tell that she has a more interior feeling: pride in her own tragedy. 

It is an interesting concept.  She calls her love her “bittersweet treasure.” She wants to stay wallowing in her sadness, even getting into situations where it is exacerbated, just to maintain it.  She says “God, I didn’t want to be saved; I just wanted to keep crying over him.”

It may seem strange but people do feel proud about those differences.  When I was thinking about I realized I do the same.  I always say that I sit at home all the time and don’t interact with people even though I do go to some friend’s houses.  When confronted with my inaccuracies it isn’t hard to refute it because it is strange for others to see me arguing that I am worse off than I actually am.  In the same sense it is weird that she would rather not be saved and instead wants wallow in her sadness.  

Now that I think about it I do it a lot. I could argue that I am just making a simplification that can accurately portray my situation, but then that is another excuse.  People, including me, like to own their tragedies like prizes, even if they don't always realize it.  

Sharing, Judging, and an Exercise in Selfishness

I read an article on sharing today (very sciencey so not really that related to this post), but it did get me thinking about my attitudes on sharing.  I consider myself a pretty open person in that if someone asks me something about my life, I’ll answer it honestly.  I am plain so there is not much to hide.  I understand people who don’t want to talk about themselves.  Maybe they think it is pointless or the other person will not understand; people live their own way.  I’m also not like a Japanese author who pours his soul into his book so it is exposed to all.  Really people who want to know learn about me , so I guess so far that is a good policy.

Why do I understand people who don’t follow that policy?  Because I don’t follow it in sharing things I like.  Ask me what my favorite book or song is and I’ll probably not give you an answer.  One because I don’t really think of art in those terms and two because I think there is no point in telling others.  I do like it when others give me book, song, and TV shows recommendations, but I think it is common knowledge that by giving others a recommendation, you are exposing yourself to judgment. 

I don’t think it is wrong to judge those things.  If someone recommends me a book I don’t like, I’ll judge them on it because they liked it.  Just means we have different tastes.  Judging isn’t bad; it is just a way to organize data in the brain.  Still people don’t like to be judged for their tastes so that could be a reason I hesitate on giving recommendations. 

I’ve mentioned deep personal stuff and recommendations, but even everyday life gets shared. With Facebook (and blogs ahem), people now share their ordinary thoughts and feelings to the world.  Last summer I wanted to take a lot of photos of things I’ve done and share it with people.  I think it was part I wanted to prove to people I didn’t really sit around all day and to keep up with others who throw out their daily life on Facebook too. 

I realize how pointless a lot of that is now.  Things like taking pictures and posting them has a sharing element to them, but I think it is better used to organize your memories.  I mean why else do we take pics but to look back on them later with nostalgia.  I use this blog to organize my thoughts for myself, hence why I may leave some thoughts unspoken because they feel obvious to me.  Yeah I share this blog with people but I would be just as content by writing all this in a word document and saving this on my computer.  Selfish or not? I don’t really know.  Depends on if these words are worth being read by anybody other than me.

Overall I think I'm slowing growing into a person who shares less about myself.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go; more that you have to adjust it as you live.    

Relaxing in the summer

Bored so I wrote a poem.  Pretty much a sonnet, but I inverted some of the iambic pentameter.

Remember

Stages of tales have a place in my mind

Life is made grand by the ruse that it plays

When your thoughts go back to the former days,

A softened light is cast on what you find.

Mind, how do you make these changes so? To

make me see and adore the wounding blade?

Or find the thoughts that hide in darkest shade

and turn them sane when dragged to open view?

But mind, why must you be romantic now?

I sing the names as thoughts fill up my sight.

You add emotions where there was just slight,

In things ignored, significance endow

You see my pains and wrap them as a gift

For change is better than letting them drift

Habits

Saying "um" a lot. Scratching your head when you are nervous. Little triggers in our life cause us to go back to our habits.  It is better than exploring unfamiliar territory.  

Aristotle said excellence is a habit, but emotions are habits too. 

Anger, loneliness, and distrust are all habits.  

Bad habits are horrible shortcuts that satisfy our minds in the moment, but hurt us in the long term.  

Once you realize your emotions are habits just like fidgeting with your pencil, then you can manage them better. 

Finding Happiness

So I just recently read 1Q84 by Murakami. Interesting book though not one of his best.  It is a 1000+ book based on his short story “On Meeting my 100% Woman One Fine April Morning. ” In that story a man passes his “100% woman.” He doesn’t understand why she is, just that she is.  He tells his friend about it and thinks about what he should have said to her. 

Was a long book haha

He wanted to tell her a story of two children who were 100% man and women for each other, but doubted life could be that easy, so as a test they went their separate ways to see if they would meet each other later.  Each get a freaky cold that makes them lose their memories, and when they pass each other on the street again they recognize each other as their 100% man and women but do not respond on that feeling and keep walking. 

After reading 1Q84, one line in the short story still bugs me.  When the two children doubt that life can be easy, the story says, “However, a tiny, really tiny, doubt drifted across their hearts; could it really be all right for a dream to come completely true this simply?” As a reader I felt that if they knew, then why do they have this doubt, but now it makes more sense.

I always question if a feeling I have is my own or something that all humans feel, but usually I don’t know.  Maybe doubting happiness is something all of us feel.  People always say life is hard but you can get great joy from it, but what if we reject that joy?  That self-doubt destroys any hope for happiness if you don’t believe you deserve it.

I’m not going to be up here saying “everybody deserves happiness” because I have not really given much thought into the philosophy of happiness.  If anybody has any good ideas about it please tell me.  Something I do understand is how easy it is to reject happiness and to fill that space with negative thoughts and doubts.  Their situation in the story was so clear cut, yet they still rejected happiness.  Hopefully there is something is us that can prevent that and find happiness.  

Here is a link to the short story if anybody wants to read it.  6 pages you can handle it. 

On Meeting my 100% Woman One Fine April Morning

Standing Still

First post of break. I expected I would have more motivation to write but then life gets in the way so no feeling to write.  Been keeping myself busy by reading, programming, doing internship work and learning Japanese.  I have to say, I’m pretty content with doing this for 3 months..and I hate that.

I hate that I can be content with sitting in my room and just doing things to amuse me.  I guess people will think I’m weird, one that I can amuse myself well enough to not really care about things and two that I dislike that.  To the first, if you know me, I am easily amused and whatever keeps my mind moving is enough to distract me.  To the second, well that may require more words.

I’ve always been pretty solitary and have survived like that, but I also lack a lot of drive to do things.  Maybe that is just a human thing of staying in our comfort zone.  I’m pretty passive, going along with cool things as they come along, but never able to instigate them myself.  The bad thing is my mind is ok with that, and I let life slip away from me.  I could walk into UVA in 3 months and not feel my whole summer was used unwisely, even when it was. 

Maybe it is just something of this generation that always needs to do things and feels relaxing is wasting time, but I guess I’m swept up in that to.  I need to say concretely “I did this during the summer.” That also may be a wrong way to think; I don’t even know what to think. Something just tells me what I’m doing right now is wrong, and that is it wrong that I can so easily accept it.  

Cognitive Dissonance in Life

I usually have some intro stuff before I say what I want to say, but I got nothing so I'll just say it: this society is way too utilitarian.  No not really in the econ sense of the word, but in the sense that we must give a reason for everything we do.  There has to be some good or benefit in our actions.  I guess this reasoning is derived from the idea that we have a limited time on this Earth, but I don't know if it truly makes sense to me.

Some of it does of course.  I go to school for the payoff of a job in the future.  Then I will work a job so I get the benefit of cash, which I can use to get things I want.  In that sense, our lives are spent doing things for the sake of something else.  We don't really have to like the process as long as we like the end result.  

That sort of means that things don't have their own value, just a derived value.  Money is only valuable because it gets you things.  Work can be seen the same way since one primarily does it for money.  But can all activities be classified this way? The answer is yes they can be, but they really shouldn't be.  

In my life I have many examples of this, but I guess the best is Japanese.  If we must give a reason for everything we do I can say "it can get me a good job," "knowing another language is helpful," "I use a different part of my brain that helps my thinking skills," etc.  The thing is, none of those are wrong.  I could say these statements and believe them because they are all true and no one can refute it.  But in the end, it is all just rationalization.  I am not learning Japanese for a job or to boost my brain, I'm just doing it.  

The worth of an activity shouldn't just be valued on the end benefit.  Sometimes we just need to dedicate ourselves to the deed and not to the outcome.  I guess that is what we consider playing (adults can play too!) Growing up can be cruel as it makes us forget this natural idea as we get bogged by responsibilities and work.  For the few that can find something the truly enjoy and get payed for it, I'm impressed.  For the rest, it is the times we play in life that we want to talk about, want to express to others, and what ultimately keeps us sane.

Oh and Happy Birthday Fawzia!