Honorary Members

A phrase that I’ve been hearing thrown around a lot these days is “I’m an honorary member of…”  The reason I dislike that phrase is, surprise surprise, sometimes I end up thinking the same way, even though I know it is wrong. 

You act like an honorary member when you want to be a part of something like a club or community so you go to events or hang out there, but you are not an official member.  The main problem is that you feel you are an actual member, but in reality you are not.  This simple fact is what causes problems.

The first problem is that as an honorary member you are usually there for the good times or the fun activities, but when it comes to working and struggling in the group, you can just pull the “I’m not actually part of this group” card.  Being part of a group means to be part of it in good or bad times, so being able to duck out when the going gets tough reflects badly.

The next thing is you are not usually there for all events or the entire time.  So inside jokes or events that all have been exposed to make no sense to you when you come back.  Honorary members float in and out whenever they please, but there is no time to catch up with all the experiences the group had when you were gone. 

The final and probably the most important is that the group will always put their members first.  You may think that as an honorary member you deserve special treatment or that you earned a place in their community, but when push comes to shove the actual members will always win because they have something you will never have.  The innate gap between real and honorary members is the one I find the most hard to understand because people want to think they belong but in a sense they do not.

I probably didn’t get all the aspects of this but these are a few problems I’ve encountered that I just wanted to say. 

Readjustment

So why did I wait until the second week to make a back to school post? Mostly to see if how I feel is not just based on first week. 

The ship of Theseus’s paradox implies you can watch something completely change and still call it the same thing just because the changes are small and gradual.  I think the same can be said about UVA.  It is still UVA, but there are small changes that if you really care to notice them make the place seem different.  They can be small things like no bubble tea stand (why does life hate me so!) or the changed layout in Ohill or big things like the bridge being fixed and the bus system going crazy as well as all these new dorms being build that has created a new community on that part of grounds. 

Those are more external changes but there are personal changes, such as a new dorm, a new roommate, a new lifestyle pretty much.  Things that were accepted as fact before are not anymore.  The times to get to the dining hall and classes are different and I see a different roommate in the my room every day.  Now you may ask why I didn’t really face this problem last semester.  That is mostly because I mirror my schedules on my previous ones so the change wasn’t big, but since I live in a new dorm just having a mirrored schedule doesn’t take into account that change. 

Of course the most obvious change is that I’m a second year now.  Now I’m the one explaining where buildings are, what classes to take, and other random helpful tips.  UVA is very catered towards first years, especially the first few weeks.  It really does feel strange to not be a first year.  You are almost trained here to be able to say your name, year, and major without thinking about it.  It is a change of your identity at UVA.

I used to think that I’m good at adjusting to new situations and I think I can still agree on that, but I need to add something.  I may be good at adjusting to new situations, but I’m not so good at adjusting to old situations that have changed.  This readjustment is harder than I thought it would be, but I gotta suck it up. 

It has been a long time since something has actually “hit me.”  Like how when I watched K-On and I really felt that feeling that “woah I’m going to be graduating my high school.”  I’ve had many of those this week such as “this is the road I used to walk to my dorm but now there is a new path everybody takes” or when I ate with Ryan “wow I will not see him every day because we are not roommates anymore.” I don’t think I can say it has been hard on me, but all these little things I’m not used to yet. 

Much more I want to say, but to blanket all those extra things by saying I feel I’m trying to live my life as if I’m still continuing my first year instead of accepting my new status and situation.  Hopefully I’ll learn and figure it all out. 

Video Games, Fantasy, and Escapism

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I’m not one for playing video games, but because I had a lot of time over the summer I played Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite.  I can say it isn’t a new experience since it is just a story in a different media.  Still, many people are dedicated to video games and use it as an escape, so I wanted to think about what is appealing about things like this

Good game

I’m more of a reader, but if you look at the books I read, they are mostly sci-fi and fantasy novels.  This trend started Freshman year of high school and hasn't really stopped since.  Is the huge interest in video games not a similar escapism as I do with books? With the great 3D and HD quality of video games, they create a digital fantasy that is on par with the imagination I use when reading books. 

When you think about it, nowadays a fantasy book or video game is successful because of its world building.  Probably the first would be the Lord of the Rings series.  It isn't just a fantasy novel, but it created a whole universe with maps, history, even languages (that people actually speak at conventions…). It is a formation of a new world that one can jump into, destroying the self in this reality for a brief moment. 

I doubt anybody could truly escape reality playing old games like Pong or Tetris, but modern games like Bioshock are so good at world building and immersion that people spend a huge amount of their time online.  Think about the hours people spend on World of Warcraft, almost as much as they work or go to school.  This generation is immersed in the digital world so deeply that it is hard to ignore. 

And it will definitely not stop there.  Google glass and virtual reality will take it to the next level, blending reality and fantasy.  In a short story of Sword Art Online, one of the characters, after coming out of virtual reality, said the first thing she feels is “the weight of my physical body.” Will there always be such an obvious marker between reality and fantasy? Will we ever return to the real world? Or just as people want to escape into fantasy, want to escape into reality?

Our Future?

Our era is a very scientific era.  You ask someone what the world is made up of and they will probably say atoms.  This materialism helps scientists and philosophers answer questions about the world.  Emotions? Chemicals in the brain. God? Doesn't have a physical embodiment and has no place in this idea.  The world thinks in this materialist view that has spread through globalization

Idealism is more about consciousness.  It is the artistic expressionism to the not so metaphorical realism.  Just as the famous “this is not  a pipe,” Idealism support stories and thoughts as reality instead of physical particles.  It is hard to not see this idea taking root in the arts, such as fantasy.  Just look at Marvel moves, Harry Potter, etc. and think about the genuine love and influence those things have created in people.  If I dare say, it is similar to religion, which creates genuine love and influence in people through an idea. 

Though the world is materialist, isn't some of it as fantastical as anything else?  Private jets, country clubs, penthouses, those are all real yet not.  They are not part of my reality and as good as not existing.  There is only your daily existence.  Working and fighting for the things you want or need, with no divine plan.  To be ironic and quote the bible as I talk about materialism “for dust you are, and to dust you shall return.” 

The material world is harsh, so I see why people escape into the fantasy world.  Invest in a world where you are a hero, in a world based on you, where there is a single plot driving you forward.  The real world is mostly ruled by the powerful and wealthy.  We are just beings that come and go and that can only grab so much on this Earth.  Maybe watching heroes in movies or playing as one in video games isn't a bad thing.  The limits of society are gone and we are allowed to be free.  Maybe being in that alternate world will allow us to learn something about ourselves, that can empower ourselves to do better in the real world.  As Damien Walter said, “The world is not made of atoms. It is made of the stories we tell about atoms.” Escapism allows us to find that story and influence our own life.  

Arrogance

I always find it interesting how some things in society have double standards.  They are bound to occur, but actually critically finding them is fun.

We all accept that arrogant people can be jerks.  The ones that think the world revolves around them and when they enter a room everybody is there for the sake of them.  I think it is just part of society to condemn such thoughts. Most people never act that extreme and if they think it, they keep it hidden.  It just isn't accepted.  But what about the opposite? Instead of thinking that everybody in the room is there to praise, what if a person thinks that everybody in the room is there to criticize?

The idea of everybody criticizing you is much more common and acceptable.  Maybe because it is lowering yourself instead of raising yourself, but I can't find this attitude meek.  It is arrogance in the same vein.  The important point in each one is that people are noticing you in the first place.  Both situations the person places him or herself in the center, which is pretty much what ego does.

Just understanding this similarity helps so much.  Think of all the people who panic over public speaking.  What do they think will happen? That the crowd will become a mob? During a presentation, most people get the main details, then faze out.  You know you haven't always fully paid attention to someone else's presentation, maybe to text or just because you were bored.  People don't care enough about others to wholly criticize, so it is slightly arrogant to think that everybody will fully pay attention to you and nitpick any flaw.

Maybe I'm being a bit critical, but I don't see how one is more acceptable than the other.  Both are extreme cases but there is enough people who think close to the poles that can prompt this thought.

Walking to the Library

If you know me at all, you can probably guess I have a ton of memories and crazy adventures at the library.  The library is 50 min away by foot according to google maps. Now being an adult and able to drive, it would take 5 min to get there by car. But as a middle or high schooler, I couldn’t drive, so 50 min would have been the barrier I saw.  This is how I did the math.  In those days I would come home at 3pm and my parents would come home at 5pm.  If the walk is 50 min, I could walk there, spend 20 min finding a book, and come back in time.  I never actually did this, but it seemed plausible.  Today, I decided to take that adventure to go there and come back in a 2 hour span.

I took all the tools necessary: my expired library card, my driver’s license to prove I exist so I can renew my library card, my MVGS backpack that I know can hold all the books I want, and my cell phone because every story needs a deus ex machina.  Since the library opens at 10am, I left at 9:10 predicting I would make it in time.  It was a cool 70 degrees…if you ignore the 80% humidity.  Keeping my backpack on made me sweaty.  Not wanting to get sweaty so early in the journey because of an empty backpack, I took it off and held it in my hand, switching off as my arm got tired holding its emptiness.  On the way, I got bored with just walking, cursing the fact I didn’t leave my headphones in the backpack.  Luckily, Krystal was online to discuss sophisticated topics like James, makeup, and if North Korea is actually a Chinese conspiracy.  By distracting myself, I past my normal running zone into uncharted territory. 

You thought I wasn't serious didn't you?

I continued in the direction to the library, keeping parallel to the main road.  Zigzagging through the suburban jungle, I realize that sometimes you need to go deeper in order to escape…aka I hit a cul de sac and needed to find another road.  I went deeper until I hit a road called Lakeside.  Knowing I needed a road with an L, but not realizing it was named for the lake at its side, I took the road until I ended up at another fork.  I proceeded deeper until I ended up at another cul de sac.  I had 20 min until 10am, so I didn’t want to admit defeat.  I took the path any adventurer would take: I sat down behind a bush to hide and opened google maps on my phone.  I was going the right direction…if I wanted to climb through a swamp and swim a lake.  I found which way I needed to go and retraced my steps.

I proceeded to the road that led to the main road.  I repeatedly glanced at the swamp at my side, knowing that if I crossed it I would get to the library quickly.  I calculated the risk of getting wet in the swamp vs. taking this path to the main road.  As I contemplated, a girl with a pick bicycle whizzed past me. With her backpack and water bottle, I assumed she was also going to the same destination, so I tried to follow her.  Alas, wheels are the king of the road while feet are just peasants.  I quickened my stride until the road ended; there was only a few feet to the library.  I saw the girl rolling her bike up the grassy hill.  As a mature person, I internally laughed at how the situation changes, as grass is super effective against bikes while feet have dominion.  I finally got to the library at 9:56, so I chilled by the lake, happy about my accomplishment. 

Good thing I didn't actually swim this

Finally entering the cool library, I found all the books I wanted and went to check them out.  Showing them my card, they ask me my age.  Naïve as I was, I told them the truth, not realizing the implications.  The woman broke the news to me: I am an adult, and as such I need a totally new library card. I was sent to fill out an online form for a new card.  The form was simple enough, with the exception that it required a middle name, which I do not possess.  I tricked the computer with a space and printed out the form.  Afterwards I gave it to the lady and she took my old card and cut it in front of my eyes! I don’t remember things well, I sometimes don’t remember my home telephone number, but one number I have never forgotten was my library number.  It was the key to 2 hours of internet at the library as a child and it allowed me to check out books at handley without actually bringing my card.  In one fell swoop that number was destroyed in front of my eyes and I was handed a new one.  For all time, let 29925000705223 live on in our hearts. 

I finally got my books and left the library at 10:25.  I got back home at 11:00 exactly.  Overall the trip took 1 hour and 50 min, so as a kid I may have made it back home in time, though I’m probably more fit/have longer legs now.  Though just a minor event, I’ll add all the symbolism I want to it because I can! Fulfillment of childhood by going? Check. Rejection of adulthood by not driving? Check. Rejection of childhood by society symbolized by the cutting of the old card? Check.  I can spin it however I want.  This is why life is sometimes cooler than books I brought home

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The Pride of Tragedy

I was watching Honey and Clover today (great show btw) and it made me realize something.  So the main girl has an unrequited love for a boy.  A lot of what happens in the show is her crying and feeling sad about  how she is not good enough.  She purposefully goes into situations she knows she will be hurt in to “face the truth.” Another guy likes her but she refuses to associate with him.  Her reason is that her love for the other guy will be false then.  It is not that hard to tell that she has a more interior feeling: pride in her own tragedy. 

It is an interesting concept.  She calls her love her “bittersweet treasure.” She wants to stay wallowing in her sadness, even getting into situations where it is exacerbated, just to maintain it.  She says “God, I didn’t want to be saved; I just wanted to keep crying over him.”

It may seem strange but people do feel proud about those differences.  When I was thinking about I realized I do the same.  I always say that I sit at home all the time and don’t interact with people even though I do go to some friend’s houses.  When confronted with my inaccuracies it isn’t hard to refute it because it is strange for others to see me arguing that I am worse off than I actually am.  In the same sense it is weird that she would rather not be saved and instead wants wallow in her sadness.  

Now that I think about it I do it a lot. I could argue that I am just making a simplification that can accurately portray my situation, but then that is another excuse.  People, including me, like to own their tragedies like prizes, even if they don't always realize it.  

Sharing, Judging, and an Exercise in Selfishness

I read an article on sharing today (very sciencey so not really that related to this post), but it did get me thinking about my attitudes on sharing.  I consider myself a pretty open person in that if someone asks me something about my life, I’ll answer it honestly.  I am plain so there is not much to hide.  I understand people who don’t want to talk about themselves.  Maybe they think it is pointless or the other person will not understand; people live their own way.  I’m also not like a Japanese author who pours his soul into his book so it is exposed to all.  Really people who want to know learn about me , so I guess so far that is a good policy.

Why do I understand people who don’t follow that policy?  Because I don’t follow it in sharing things I like.  Ask me what my favorite book or song is and I’ll probably not give you an answer.  One because I don’t really think of art in those terms and two because I think there is no point in telling others.  I do like it when others give me book, song, and TV shows recommendations, but I think it is common knowledge that by giving others a recommendation, you are exposing yourself to judgment. 

I don’t think it is wrong to judge those things.  If someone recommends me a book I don’t like, I’ll judge them on it because they liked it.  Just means we have different tastes.  Judging isn’t bad; it is just a way to organize data in the brain.  Still people don’t like to be judged for their tastes so that could be a reason I hesitate on giving recommendations. 

I’ve mentioned deep personal stuff and recommendations, but even everyday life gets shared. With Facebook (and blogs ahem), people now share their ordinary thoughts and feelings to the world.  Last summer I wanted to take a lot of photos of things I’ve done and share it with people.  I think it was part I wanted to prove to people I didn’t really sit around all day and to keep up with others who throw out their daily life on Facebook too. 

I realize how pointless a lot of that is now.  Things like taking pictures and posting them has a sharing element to them, but I think it is better used to organize your memories.  I mean why else do we take pics but to look back on them later with nostalgia.  I use this blog to organize my thoughts for myself, hence why I may leave some thoughts unspoken because they feel obvious to me.  Yeah I share this blog with people but I would be just as content by writing all this in a word document and saving this on my computer.  Selfish or not? I don’t really know.  Depends on if these words are worth being read by anybody other than me.

Overall I think I'm slowing growing into a person who shares less about myself.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go; more that you have to adjust it as you live.