Thinking about Friendships on Valentine's Day

So yesterday I thought a lot about people who are gone from my life.  It was because of the males in KAF playing Cards Against Humanity and us realizing that Kohei would have loved it.  I haven’t actually thought of Kohei for a long time, even though we have had many good times together.  I was very sad when he left, but I mean life goes on, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot him completely.  I feel it is ok to forget some things temporarily but then remember them randomly.  Yesterday I thought, “Kohei would have liked this game,” and remember the good times with him.  I think that is good enough. 

A similar event also happened that day.  I was telling the story about how Arden gave me fudge mix and I gave her some of the fudge on White Day. I remembered how my mom and I made that and I felt pretty nostalgic about that.  I think as long as I have moments like this I should be fine.  People still ask me all these questions like, “What do you miss most?” or, “What is your best memory?”  Is it an interview?  I have these feelings in the moment, not something that I can spit out like an elevator speech. 

A slightly different thing I had to encounter is not people who left, but people who are drifting.  At least two groups of friends have admitted to have drifted apart.  I feel that is pretty normal; I don’t talk to a lot of people from first year or from any time period from my life.  In a sense I still can treat people who drift away with the same mentality as people who left.  Even if I encounter a person again, the relationship between us has changed.  We may be nostalgic, but friendships have to be maintained so being separated really does destroy the relationship.  I can still hear my former friend’s voice saying, “don’t talk to me.” Random aside but even though we were friends for so long, just being separate for a few years meant we were not friends anymore.  The only way to bring it back is working at the relationship.  Friendship is work; that is how I perceive it.  With my mindset, a friendship can depreciate if you don’t constantly put in effort.

Something Lynn posted today was "...when we remember we remember only what was forgotten. Each time we remember we remember forgetting. Thus the only thing remembrance remembers is obviously not itself, but it's other, namely forgetting." As I said, it is how we try to dig out all the emotions and feelings from the memory, but we can't get them all. Maybe in the end the biggest thing we get out of remembering something is that we forgot a huge part of it, and the stuff we remember is a copy of the true memory we forgot.

Even by writing all of this down I can’t preserve all the feelings I had.  Renaissance poets said that poetry can allow something to be immortal, but this is really my attempt to preserve how I feel about things.  Even as friends leave my life, I guess I can look back at posts like this and remember the me of the time, the mindset I had, and the people who surrounded me throughout my life.  

Context and Reality

Context may not be everything, but it is very important in how we interpret the world.  We hear people’s words based on who they are, we judge things based on our expectations, I feel I could go on.  The most recent example I have seen is when I went to some famous museums in Europe with my dad.  He doesn’t know many of the really famous paintings so he didn’t think they were that spectacular, but when he heard that these are masterpieces, he suddenly thought they were beautiful beyond belief.  It was more than just the natural aesthetics, it was also because they are famous.  Context added that value. 

I feel this is especially true with sci-fi authors and how they not only want to tell a story, but create a whole universe.  For me, I’ve read a huge amount of Stars Wars books.  I feel that fans were not totally satisfied by the original 3 movies.  How did Anakin become Vader?  What were the Clone Wars?  What is Obi-Wan’s past? These questions and more drove them to make the prequel movies.  In the same vein, the books are there to continue the story and now almost 26,000 years of Stars Wars history is written for fans to discover. 

You see it everywhere nowadays.  Sequels, prequels, spin-offs.  All there to satisfy the burning questions: “what happened before?” and “what happens after?”  I understand the draw as I have enjoyed these worlds that authors and directors have created, but I still wonder if a story with no context is still valid?  Just as almost every western poem has been dissected with respect to syntax or historical context, do other media have to be that way too? 

I feel this is the reason a show like Kara no Kyoukai was refreshing.  I loved the show, but I don’t have an actual reason why.  Yes the visuals and music were great, but the plot…can I even call it a plot?  It was like 7 small dips into a person’s life, only seeing that part for a few days and being whisked away to another point.  Context is destroyed and you just have to sit there and see what is before you.  It is painful really, to see something without having some grasp on it, to not realize why they take action. 

Japanese shows, movies especially, love to portray the transience of everything.  The term is “mono no aware.” The Japanese really took a Buddhist concept and made it their own.  No context is ok; just live the scene, let it fade, and accept the new reality. 

Reason why I’m saying this is because I just watched the movie Garden of Words by Shinkai Makoto (same dude who made 5 Centimeters per Second).  It is a show where you are just thrust into a beautiful landscape and get that mere glimpse of a person’s life, and see how they deal with the passage of time. 

I feel whenever I watch American movies, with all their drama, action, suspense, or horror, I’m a witness.  With these types of Japanese movies, I feel I’m standing by the person.  There may not be that much dialogue or backstory to explain where they came from or what they are thinking, but that probably reflect the real world the best.  You slowly learn a person’s life story by being with them for a long time; in reality you are probably only going to be in a person’s life for a small sliver of time.  In the same way these shows portray the transience we all feel in our lives.  They make you walk side by side with the character as they experience their loss, and finally you need to move on too when the credits roll.  It may not give you the happy ending you wanted, but mono no aware leaves you with that gentle sadness that this is the reality of the world.  

In the end, what connects us to works of art?  Do we need the framework of context or can we plunge in without it?  Maybe by experiencing both ways I can find the answer. 

What I Do While Overwhelmed

Everybody feels overwhelmed in their lives, maybe even every week haha.  Something I realized what I do when I’m overwhelmed is just stop, ignore the problem, and deal with something easier instead and just push that problem to the future.  Usually I would just say, “oh that is just me being a procrastinator,” but as my accounting teacher said, you have to find the root of the problem, not a symptom. 

The example our teacher uses is that people go to the doctor and say “I have a fever and a runny nose.” No those are symptoms, the problem is you may have the flu or a sinus infection.  In the same vein, just saying I’m procrastinating isn’t enough, I have to find the cause.

Probably a big thing is that I’m worried I would make something worse.  When you are overwhelmed everything seems to be shaky and that one little action will cause everything to fall apart.  Since I don’t fully know what I want to do and how to proceed in this dangerous environment, I end up thinking that I may realize the answer later so I put it off till that time.  

An even bigger point is that sometimes I don’t want to take responsibility for the position I’m in.  It is almost like acting is admitting you are in a difficult position, and that it is your responsibility to get out of it.  Sometimes I feel it is someone else’s fault and that I should wait until that person makes a move before I make my own.  Maybe that person will come in and sweep the problem away because they are responsible too in my mind.  While I await the cavalry to save me, I do nothing, never fixing the problem.   

So those are two quick reasons I could think of why I don’t act when I’m overwhelmed.  It is bad to not do things at the time you need to do things the most, but like a deer in the headlights, problems sometimes makes you freeze.  

More Brain Dump

I’m really out of it today so I probably can’t write anything of substance, so I’ll just write random stuff. 

Being Pre-Comm means I have to take a language, which for me is Japanese.  I find it interesting how different people dedicate themselves to Japanese.  Some try to peruse it in every aspect of their lives; some fill their walls with kanji , others just ask a lot of questions.  I don’t know what my dedication to learning it is.  I had lunch with Baylee and Sam today and they were talking about how after they graduate how they want to work with Japanese or in Japan.  I never had such thoughts, so why do I put so much effort into learning this language? 

Also because this class is everyday, I have to plan my schedule around it.  It is really troublesome because I can’t take a lot of classes, but I am ok with that.  In my piano class I asked Liya if she is going to take piano again and she said “yeah I planned my schedule around it.” That is exactly what I do with Japanese but I never thought of planning my schedule around something else.  Just shows our priorities.

Because I was super out of it today, I avoided people during dinner but still Anne sat with me.  I feel so trapped because I wanted to talk and be normal but it was like my body wouldn’t let me do anything.  It is how I felt all day but it just annoyed me the most then.  She said that I was quieter than last year, which really hit me.  Not just quieter today, but from last year.  I have to agree with it, which makes me sad.  At this point I can’t tell which side can win, my super quiet side or my social side.  I feel I swing to the extremes of both of them and never find a middle. 

So whenever I’m in this strange state of not being able to do something, I have to make up something to do.  So I decided to try to change on of my habits. This is strange but I don’t actually look at females in the face…I know I know strange and I don’t really know why but I always turn away or just look far off.  I doubt people notice but for me it is really obvious.  Maybe that is why I recognize people by their hair style since I look at that more than their face.

 

Anyway so I felt this would be a good moment to practice that so I just stared at Anne’s face.  Might as well go all out you know haha.  I’ll need to practice more but I decided to start now. 

So yeah some random stuff because I don’t really want to talk about anything deep.  

It's a Small World After All and Catching Up Dinners

Walking to taekwondo tonight was a great feeling.  I love walking around on an autumn night because it is dark yet still warm.  Just sort of relaxing to walk and just think.  I wished I had somebody to walk and talk with but I feel that the night would pull me into my own thoughts instead of talking to the other person. 

I feel that my world is getting smaller.  First year obviously made my world a lot larger.  Meeting so many new people from different countries with different interests really stops a person from seeing the world with a narrow mind.  Now I settled into my clubs and the crazy amount of work I have.  I feel my world is my classes, Newcomb, and the library occasionally.  Many of the people I talked to last year and who were in my life are now gone; nowadays I mostly see the same people every day.  That is mostly due to the circumstances of a second year, but it just makes the world seem smaller.

Of course that isn’t a bad thing to only hang out with a few people.  You only really need a few close friends, but I still am in the naïve phase that I like to be friends with a lot of people, have minor conversations and just chill.  I’ll grow out of it someday but for now this is how it is.

When I do meet someone I haven’t seen for a long time, one thing I really dislike is “yeah let’s have dinner to catch up.” I’m not saying that they are bad because I would rather have those dinners than not see the person, but I don’t really like them. 

I just don’t know what to say.  You have lived without that person in your life for like a month, then after this dinner you may not see them until another month.  I rather like continual updates and at every meeting just talk about a few things, but for these dinners you have to explain everything.  It is like you have to use your time wisely because it is limited, but with a friend you should be able to talk with them whenever you need to, not just at a set time. 

The energy I have for maintain friends this year either went down, or the challenge of maintaining them went up.  As usual, I am probably just going to now do anything and let it all happen around me. 

Honorary Members

A phrase that I’ve been hearing thrown around a lot these days is “I’m an honorary member of…”  The reason I dislike that phrase is, surprise surprise, sometimes I end up thinking the same way, even though I know it is wrong. 

You act like an honorary member when you want to be a part of something like a club or community so you go to events or hang out there, but you are not an official member.  The main problem is that you feel you are an actual member, but in reality you are not.  This simple fact is what causes problems.

The first problem is that as an honorary member you are usually there for the good times or the fun activities, but when it comes to working and struggling in the group, you can just pull the “I’m not actually part of this group” card.  Being part of a group means to be part of it in good or bad times, so being able to duck out when the going gets tough reflects badly.

The next thing is you are not usually there for all events or the entire time.  So inside jokes or events that all have been exposed to make no sense to you when you come back.  Honorary members float in and out whenever they please, but there is no time to catch up with all the experiences the group had when you were gone. 

The final and probably the most important is that the group will always put their members first.  You may think that as an honorary member you deserve special treatment or that you earned a place in their community, but when push comes to shove the actual members will always win because they have something you will never have.  The innate gap between real and honorary members is the one I find the most hard to understand because people want to think they belong but in a sense they do not.

I probably didn’t get all the aspects of this but these are a few problems I’ve encountered that I just wanted to say. 

Readjustment

So why did I wait until the second week to make a back to school post? Mostly to see if how I feel is not just based on first week. 

The ship of Theseus’s paradox implies you can watch something completely change and still call it the same thing just because the changes are small and gradual.  I think the same can be said about UVA.  It is still UVA, but there are small changes that if you really care to notice them make the place seem different.  They can be small things like no bubble tea stand (why does life hate me so!) or the changed layout in Ohill or big things like the bridge being fixed and the bus system going crazy as well as all these new dorms being build that has created a new community on that part of grounds. 

Those are more external changes but there are personal changes, such as a new dorm, a new roommate, a new lifestyle pretty much.  Things that were accepted as fact before are not anymore.  The times to get to the dining hall and classes are different and I see a different roommate in the my room every day.  Now you may ask why I didn’t really face this problem last semester.  That is mostly because I mirror my schedules on my previous ones so the change wasn’t big, but since I live in a new dorm just having a mirrored schedule doesn’t take into account that change. 

Of course the most obvious change is that I’m a second year now.  Now I’m the one explaining where buildings are, what classes to take, and other random helpful tips.  UVA is very catered towards first years, especially the first few weeks.  It really does feel strange to not be a first year.  You are almost trained here to be able to say your name, year, and major without thinking about it.  It is a change of your identity at UVA.

I used to think that I’m good at adjusting to new situations and I think I can still agree on that, but I need to add something.  I may be good at adjusting to new situations, but I’m not so good at adjusting to old situations that have changed.  This readjustment is harder than I thought it would be, but I gotta suck it up. 

It has been a long time since something has actually “hit me.”  Like how when I watched K-On and I really felt that feeling that “woah I’m going to be graduating my high school.”  I’ve had many of those this week such as “this is the road I used to walk to my dorm but now there is a new path everybody takes” or when I ate with Ryan “wow I will not see him every day because we are not roommates anymore.” I don’t think I can say it has been hard on me, but all these little things I’m not used to yet. 

Much more I want to say, but to blanket all those extra things by saying I feel I’m trying to live my life as if I’m still continuing my first year instead of accepting my new status and situation.  Hopefully I’ll learn and figure it all out.