調子が出ない

So there is this series the Queen’s Thief I really like and the main character Gen is king but doesn’t really like being king so he always acts unkingly even though he is competent.  One part in the book, assassins attack him and he kills them, but they leave a gash in him.  He was screaming and complaining as his guards and attendants walked him to his room like he usually does so everybody thought, “oh he is just being normal it probably is just a scratch,” but when the doctor looks at the injury, it was almost fatal.  As the character Costis puts it.

“He [The king Gen] should have said something, why hadn’t he? Costis wondered. In fact, the king had. He had complained at every step all the way across the palace, and they’d ignored it. If he’d been stoic and denied the pain, the entire palace would have been in a panic already, and Eddisian soldiers on the move. He’d meant to deceive them, and he’d succeeded. It made Costis wonder for the first time just how much the stoic man really wants to hide when he unsuccessfully pretends not to be in pain.”

The king didn’t want to cause a panic so he acted normal so nobody worried. If he acted out of the ordinary then people would note the difference.  It is like having a big sign saying, “I’m not being normal notice me!” If you really want to hide pain you act normal and people can’t tell the difference.

In our culture it is taboo to act anything other than happy with stranger.  Only with friends and family can you act many of the emotions we have.  If somebody broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, you don’t go running around in class telling people; you tell your friends and they help you through it.  So the idea that Costis said that how many people really want to hide by unsuccessfully pretending to not be a pain is pretty interesting.

The reason this came up is today in class I was just sitting and thinking and everybody was like “Tomy is quiet” and the teacher asked me if I was ok.  I thought to myself, “If I really wasn’t ok, why would I disturb class by blatantly acting abnormal?  If I wasn’t ok, I would fake being myself and nobody can tell the difference.”  It made me think that people who pretend to not be a pain are probably calling out to people to notice that they are being abnormal, whether consciously or unconsciously.  Not saying it is a bad thing, but if the person’s real goal is to hide their feelings from others, then the best way to do it is to hide in plain sight and act normal, not by being blatantly different than normal.  

Second Week in Japan

Been another week in Japan and my first week at Waseda.  Slowly getting used to the day to day routine and finding people to chill around with.  I know I will only be in Tokyo for 6 weeks so it is hard to make lasting friendships but I guess as long as I hang out with people and am not bored that is good. 

Something I find interesting is how people’s personality seems to change based on the language they are speaking.  It is probably because they are not as fluent in one compared to another which makes them have to use different means to communicate.  I feel I say more random stuff when I speak Japanese, but others sometimes lose the ability to be funny at all when speaking Japanese.  It is pretty interesting how you have to adapt yourself based on the language you are speaking. 

I try my best to speak only in Japanese but I can’t fully communicate in Japanese so if I ever want to have a deep conversation I have to switch to English.  Like today talking to Kohei at dinner I spoke Japanese but when we were talking seriously we switched to English because that was the only way I could do it.  These conversations are when I feel bond me to other people so if I can’t do it in Japanese then how can I connect with others?  Limitations Limitations. 

I joined two clubs but in Japan it is close to the end of the semester so everybody already has their established friend groups and it is hard to penetrate them, especially since finals for them is coming up and they will have less time than they do now.  Still I just try my best to eat lunch with people and also go out to dinner with some. 

I think the scariest thing is that since it is starting over with me having no friends and being in no clubs that it feels like first year again.  That means I act like I did when I was a first year like I didn’t learn anything from it.  I am worried that I may make the same mistakes I did before like for the sake of experience doing a lot of things but not really getting anything out of it.  For example a group of Chinese students were going to go to Roppongi and I wanted to go see it but Mike, one of them members said that I will probably find it boring since everybody will be speaking Chinese and I will not understand.  That for me is something I learned first year at UVA but I was about to make the same mistake again and if it wasn’t for me finding some of my other friends first I would have probably made that mistake.  I understand that people make mistakes in life, but then one should learn from it.  If I didn’t learn from it then I feel truly stupid.  

First Week in Japan

So I’ve been chilling around in Japan for a week acting like a tourist before my program actually starts.  Went to a lot of random places in Hiroshima, Kyoto, and Nara.  Typical stuff like museums, World Heritage Sites, and temples.  Of course I think they are interesting, but I find myself always in my own world.  I had to keep telling myself to look and actually take in what you are seeing because if I didn’t I would just look without seeing and walk away.  They are interesting in the sense that they are supposed to be interesting.

 

That doesn’t mean I didn’t find enjoyment in them, but I found enjoyment in simple things that I will remember more.  For example there are many kids taking school fieldtrips and one of the things they have to do is ask tourists questions to practice their English.  This one group walked up to a couple behind them and was like “えと May I have a picture?”  I thought it was really funny and kids were good natured so I was laughing.  They noticed me and asked me to join in their picture.  Now I am in some random middle schoolers’ field trip picture.  I found that really cool, perhaps even cooler than the centuries old temple in the background of the picture. 

As usual I do what I normally do when I’m not at school and haven’t talk to people.  I seem to grow super inverted when I’m outside of school.  I don’t try to approach people and talk to them though the best time to do that is probably while in a different country so I can interact with locals.  When I exited the restaurant today I realized it was 7:30ish so it was already dark.  Though I guess I am a morning person, meaning I can get up early and do work without being cranky, my favorite time is probably right after the sun goes down.  It isn’t too cold but it is dark outside, perfect for a walk.  Since this is my first time being out that late in Kyoto (gasp so late right haha) I decided to go for a walk.  Even in this busy city it was pretty quiet while I was walking.  Only a few people on bikes cruising around.  I guess it doesn’t matter which country I am in as long as I can walk around like this I am satisfied.

While walking I realized that I haven’t talk to people.  I mean that is usual when I’m abroad but I’m usually with my dad so there is someone I normally communicate with.  At school obviously I’m talking to people but for this entire week traveling alone I have really only ordered food and said some basic stuff to the train people.  I don’t think I could stand it if I was in that state for too long.  Good thing school is starting back up so I will probably have the motivation to make friends and talk to people.  Until then it is just packing and heading back to Tokyo.  

Second Year Reflection

I’ve wrote a bit before about second year in terms of my first reactions and friend stuff, but I guess the point of an end of year reflection is to consolidate everything into one.  I’ve shrunk my world a lot since first year.  Sure I’m still making a lot of new friends and hanging out with people, but I have become less involved with school activities.  I’ve dropped out of a few clubs and in some I’ve just participated less.  I came into college not knowing what I liked or disliked.  Many people say they don’t know what they like, and in the same vein I had to learn what I disliked.  I think me dropping out of clubs was mostly me not enjoying them compared to the effort and time necessary.  Now the problem is finding what I do like and supporting those organizations.

As expected, there is a huge amount of first year friends who I barely talk to anymore. Pretty normal so I can’t really hate on it, but I did find it interesting how I didn’t put effort into maintaining those relationships.  First year I was really adamant about putting effort into every friend I had, but that tired me out a lot and made me think it was all pointless.  I think now I have a more passive attitude in that based on the situation I will put effort into people.  People can’t help but be more likely friends who are around them more, open up more, and support them.  I think by being more accepting about friends coming and leaving, I can enjoy what I have better.

This year was when I took my last big chuck on non-Comm school classes before going into Comm School.  I actually only took one Comm class this whole year.  Not to hate on E school, but for me I could do math and science all day, but the liberal arts are what open my mind and force me to challenge myself.  I may not study that much for normal classes, but if you know me, I was in Old Cabell practicing guitar and piano all the time.  I’m not naturally good at instruments so I had to really work hard for those classes.  In addition, Japanese History made me see what we learned in Comm school through a whole different lens since we read Marx and Lenin.  The world is different from their time, but the philosophy they proclaim is something I feel everybody should read if only to hear both sides of the capitalist argument.  Even though I don’t think about my classes that much, this year has forced me to do things I’m not naturally good at and think in ways that if I just took Econ/Comm classes I would never had experienced.

I wrote a little about dedication in my last post and I just wrote about me not being dedicated to many of the activities I partook in last year.   By not doing things I like, it seems obvious that I have more time to dedicate to things I want to do.  Two times this year I have seen myself be super dedicated towards a goal.  The first was taking the Japanese Language Placement Exam.  I knew I was way over my head taking a test two levels above mine, but I put in a lot of effort through workbooks and studying vocab.  I knew I had about a month to study, so there was only so much I could do, so I just focused on what I felt could help me.  When guests came over for Thanksgiving they saw me studying so diligently that they commented on how good of a student I was.  Internally I laughed and thought “they should see me on normal days I’m such a lazy bum,” but now I think that maybe that dedication is my potential and I just need things I’m willing to invest into see that type of effort again.

 

The second things I dedicated myself to was applying to study abroad in Japan.  It was a long road and people I talked about it with know.  I kept on pushing it back and pushing it back until one day I was just like, “damn it Tomy go look at some scholarships!” I saw UVA was offering one but the deadline was next week so I rushed to get the app done with essays and recommendations.  Then I had to get the scholarship to approve my program which was the bulk of my hassle.  I put in a lot of effort into it and worked to make this a reality.  Now looking back at it, I sort of doubt it was me who did it.  I’m not used to seeing me so dedicated to a task, but it shows what I can do if I really want something.  That makes me more hopefully about my own potential. 

Eeh this is getting long.  Mostly I think the goal of second year was take what I actually, genuinely like about first year and try to enhance that while getting rid of the parts I didn’t like.  This meant I actually had to think if I truly enjoyed something.  Sometimes the idea that you need to try everything hits you first year and that gets in the way of reflecting if you actually like it.  It is good to try a lot of new things, but in the end, if you want to continue with it, you better like it.  Sure my world is smaller in terms of activities, events, friends, even physical space, but removing things I didn’t like surrounds me with more I do like.  Now if I find more things I like third year, then I can be even happier and dedicated, which will channel my energy and hopefully make me a better person.  

Dedication

This semester is almost over and I promise this time I will give a proper end of year reflection.  There are many cool things I don’t want to forget.

Talking about forgetting, today when I was studying for my Japanese test, I was listening to my liked videos on Youtube.  For me, my liked videos is another history of my life: what I was interested in at the time, who was I listening to, what my mood was, etc.  It was interesting to listen to my past and think about the me that liked that video. 

I finally got to the time that I watched City Hunter and I liked some of the OST videos.  A wave of nostalgia hit me as I thought back on that show.  The thing is, I barely remember the plot; I can probably only say what a normal summary could say.  I only remember how I felt about it, not what happened.  I felt like I lost something.  Sure they are fictional characters, but shows are meant to be realistic so me forgetting their lives is like forgetting a real person. 

For me I deeply delve into things for a time and then leave.  That show was my life for a week but now I can’t remember what happened in it.  What about with friends then?  My friends tell me personal stuff about them, but just as quickly as I forget the shows I probably will forget their lives too.  It feels disrespectful to do that after they put the energy in telling me these things, but I will not even remember them. 

I have seen these small bouts of dedication before.  During PAVAN, a governor school for the performing arts, guitar was my life for two weeks and I dedicated myself to that.  I practiced every day and I worked hard for our performance.  After the program, I would practice less and sometimes not at all.  The circumstances around me made me dedicated, not anything inside of myself.

I worry the same thing will happen with me and Japanese.  It has been a defining part of my college life, but without the environment would I even be doing it or would I even want to do it?  After I took the JLPT, I didn’t touch Japanese for a bit to rest and I feel that was me breaking my own fiction that I just need to keep doing Japanese no matter what. 

I know I don’t need to worry now because if I study abroad I will still be in the environment of studying Japanese, but what about 4^th year or after I graduate?  Where will my motivation come from?  I wonder if most of the things I do is because of environment and not because of my own drive.  When I’m not at UVA I interact with people much less and when I’m vacationing I pretty much don’t interact with others at all.  UVA has the environment of interacting with people and making friends that I wonder if I can transfer my attitudes in this environment outside of UVA. 

People say living in the present is good and I think it is but when I realize things that I do like this, I question how useful living only in the present is.  As always I need to obtain more of a balance of thinking about the past, present, and future.  

Connections and the Reality of Fiction

I have said before that the reason I like history is I like stories and how they connect.  For some reason my brain works this way so I connect various events and find some common thread among them.  If you read this blog you can tell that each post has a theme, but I give various examples and life experiences for each.  This isn’t a skill I naturally knew; I actually was trained to do it.  I was tutored in English since middle school to be able to write and do this type of critical thinking.  I always thought it was a bad thing to have tutoring even though for Indians it is pretty normal.  I guess people usual assume that if somebody is good at something they are naturally good at it, so not meeting that expectation felt bad. 

When I was in middle school I could barely write five sentences and make a paragraph.  I felt what I had to say was obvious and that is good enough.  I had to put in the effort to learn how to write proper papers and how to convey my message.  This is especially true for English tests like the SAT.  The essay portion gives you a prompt and you have to support or not support it using evidence from history, literature, life experience, etc.  It is pretty much pick a side and support it with evidence from different aspects.  That is how I reason out things in real life now; I pull from various sources and try to find the answer.

Something I do very specifically is pull from literary sources.  For the SAT you obviously have to do that, but I don’t think everybody tries to apply it to daily life.  It is that age old question: which is more true, fiction or reality? The answer seems obviously reality, but fiction is just a way to distill the essence of real life and present it in another form. Gus made sure I knew that fiction serves to guide us when the reality around us can’t.  We can find truth in it that may give us better advice than reality.  That is what authors try to convey through their works.

A good example of this, is in the Tale of Genji.  One of the characters is trapped by Genji who is using her in a game.  Let’s just say he is attracted to her but isn’t allowed to have her, so he plays out his fantasies through teasing other men with her…yeah Japanese literature!  Anyway, she has never experienced anything like this before and doesn’t know how to handle the situation, but she finds people who wrote fiction stories about a similar situation and reads them as people who empathize and who know the way to escape.  In the story, fiction helps the main character more than reality as she tries to break the fake reality that Genji creates around her for his own pleasure. 

In the end, is it so easy to bind all these things together?  Can something in history so easily connect to something that I’ve experience to something that I read in a book or is that just me forcing a connection where there isn’t one?  When I read Lenin in Japanese History class, the teacher pointed out Lenin’s definition of Imperialism and asked us what was wrong with it.  When nobody could answer he said, “It is a very nice list that is completely correct; the only problem with it is that it is a list.”  Lists are step by step or distinct points, but they do not show the interaction and the multiple causes and effects among things.  To understand true interaction among items, you have to be careful not to just compare and contrast, but show the dynamics and logic among what are seemingly distinct events.  I believe with that approach, the connections can be formed and a common thread can be found.

Thinking about Friendships on Valentine's Day

So yesterday I thought a lot about people who are gone from my life.  It was because of the males in KAF playing Cards Against Humanity and us realizing that Kohei would have loved it.  I haven’t actually thought of Kohei for a long time, even though we have had many good times together.  I was very sad when he left, but I mean life goes on, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot him completely.  I feel it is ok to forget some things temporarily but then remember them randomly.  Yesterday I thought, “Kohei would have liked this game,” and remember the good times with him.  I think that is good enough. 

A similar event also happened that day.  I was telling the story about how Arden gave me fudge mix and I gave her some of the fudge on White Day. I remembered how my mom and I made that and I felt pretty nostalgic about that.  I think as long as I have moments like this I should be fine.  People still ask me all these questions like, “What do you miss most?” or, “What is your best memory?”  Is it an interview?  I have these feelings in the moment, not something that I can spit out like an elevator speech. 

A slightly different thing I had to encounter is not people who left, but people who are drifting.  At least two groups of friends have admitted to have drifted apart.  I feel that is pretty normal; I don’t talk to a lot of people from first year or from any time period from my life.  In a sense I still can treat people who drift away with the same mentality as people who left.  Even if I encounter a person again, the relationship between us has changed.  We may be nostalgic, but friendships have to be maintained so being separated really does destroy the relationship.  I can still hear my former friend’s voice saying, “don’t talk to me.” Random aside but even though we were friends for so long, just being separate for a few years meant we were not friends anymore.  The only way to bring it back is working at the relationship.  Friendship is work; that is how I perceive it.  With my mindset, a friendship can depreciate if you don’t constantly put in effort.

Something Lynn posted today was "...when we remember we remember only what was forgotten. Each time we remember we remember forgetting. Thus the only thing remembrance remembers is obviously not itself, but it's other, namely forgetting." As I said, it is how we try to dig out all the emotions and feelings from the memory, but we can't get them all. Maybe in the end the biggest thing we get out of remembering something is that we forgot a huge part of it, and the stuff we remember is a copy of the true memory we forgot.

Even by writing all of this down I can’t preserve all the feelings I had.  Renaissance poets said that poetry can allow something to be immortal, but this is really my attempt to preserve how I feel about things.  Even as friends leave my life, I guess I can look back at posts like this and remember the me of the time, the mindset I had, and the people who surrounded me throughout my life.