Obligatory Graduation Post

So graduation happened yesterday.  Went to a meeting for the speaking party (I don't have to say but of course 'nav didn't even show, how lazy of him).  Started off listen to Mrs. Berry’s amazing rap (some sick rhymes in there).  After that, we were lead around the school by the teachers.  The fun thing about being in the front was I could hear the teachers discuss everything.  Made me realize this whole event is meticulous planned and doesn’t just come together, no matter what movies make you believe.  The walk was fun, only saw my name once, but it is probably hiding somewhere else.  

Moved on to the field.  The whole time I was trying to psych out Abhinav, but we both had the same mentality: we just wanted that diploma.  There weren’t any poignant moments, just a waiting game.  We both went up to speak, and I honestly can’t remember what I did up there.  I remember walking up, I know I did speak but I can’t remember it, and then getting my medal.  Strange how that part is blocked out of my memory.  Rest of the ceremony was whatever, didn’t really care except the music.  Afterwards I realized that I was obligated to socialize, so I walked up to random people and shook their hands.  Had a nice chat with Amber while I got my diploma, and left with swag (‘nav’s family got me a UVA cap, tag was still on).  

Reflection ehh… The stereotypical answer is I’m sad to leave sherando and all that crap.  In reality, I spent half of my day at Sherando since I go to gov school.  I don’t have connections with the school as a whole, just the individuals.  Like on the last day of school, I went to Dr. Saylor’s room for last block.  She was the bulk of my Sherando experience for junior year, so it was nice to see her on the last day.  Sherando was a stage of my life, enough said.  

What I have really been thinking about is when the idea of graduation hit me.  What do I mean by “hit me”?  For some reason, it is supposed to be a sudden realization, but it wasn’t.  Maybe because I’m logical and I knew that I’m done with high school, so it didn’t faze me as much, but I feel the little things are what led me to understanding.  Large events like graduation and people congratulating me didn’t help, only minor details.  

How minor?  Stuff like watching K-On (don't ask) and reading Mrs. Andrew's faculty will.  Also, seeing cars labeled Senior ’13 (there is one across the street right now).  Really any number above 2012 makes me realize the school has moved on.  Whenever I see student video projects with younger kids, I know that I’m old news for this school.  On the penultimate day of school I invaded Mrs. Andrews U.S. History class.  It hit me that there are juniors at this school.  “What is wrong with you Tomy, not realizing there are juniors?”  Well I only interact with a few, but I didn’t comprehend there is a whole class of them until I went into their class.  They probably have their smart kids, their art kids, their band kids, everything our class has.  They have their friends, their family, their own lives.  I never thought of this in depth.  I'm just another blimp in Sherando's history.

So yeah I’ve graduated.  I try to put meaning on it and I could probably fake any that is required in conversations, but it doesn’t feel like a big deal.  But saying that makes me sound more condescending and that isn’t the goal.  Another difference between objective and subjective me.  Objective me knows what I accomplished, subjective me doesn’t feel it.  Best thing to do now is not dwell on it and move on. 

More of My Strangeness

There is something that I end up doing that is really weird. I first noticed it when I flew to India.  The two flights (from here to London, then London to Kolkata) took about 15 hours.  Others were also flying alongside me since they had the same destination.  In my head, I created a sense of camaraderie with these people.  Having the same end destination and experiencing the same plight made me feel tied to these people.  When moving around the airport, I trusted this group and moved with them.  I learned about them.  Not in the sense that I knew their life stories, but in that I learned their personalities.  I understood them in a deeper sense, strange I know.  That is what happens when you are stuck together with a group of people in close quarters.  

Why am I bringing this up?  Well I drove a long distance for the first time.  It was to Fairfax, which to me seems long.  Being on the road for 1.5 hours, a similar occurrence happened.  I was stuck with the same cars for the whole journey down the highway.  I slowly started to understand how the people would react to situation, who was aggressive, who to stick with.  Again, I don’t know the drivers’ stories or anything about them, but from their attitudes, I could learn so much.  

It is weird I can feel these connections with strangers but not with the people around me.  I’m learning to gain empathy, so I’ll find more value in connections someday.  (Yes Mrs. Britton, Someday isn’t a day of the week, but let me procrastinate on this one thing).  

I do wonder if this will be similar in college.  People who would normally not be friends be brought together because of similar circumstances.  I've seen it enough in movies, though that doesn't really say anything about real life.  In shows, people with varied personalities, when stuck in the same situation, come together.  College should be a big enough situation to warrant the same reaction.   Guess I'll see at UVA.  

Yes I'm avoiding posting about graduation.  I'll get to it....someday. 

This is What Happens to Me When I Have Nothing To Do

May I rant?  I hope so.  School is practically over and summer is starting.  Yeah yeah whoopty doo.  Before summer could just be a time to relax and do nothing, but now it is supposed to be something to be used.  I feel obligated to do something during the summer when normally I would just be lazy.  I don’t feel old as in like 70, but I feel old as in I’m not an innocent child.  I understand the idea of regret, how we look back and think how our lives could have been if we performed another action.  

When I was a kid, the future was something to strive for, but right now, it scares me.  The unpredictability, the expectations.  Though I shouldn’t be saying this when I’m 18, I already feel constrained.  As a child, wrongs could be righted, paths not taken could be walked.  The idea of responsibility and time was nonexistent.  What is there now?  Most of the day is spent making sure we don’t fall into delinquency.  Self-improvement requires a huge amount of extra effort.  

Summer is supposed to be the release of that.  No constraint, no timetable, no homework.  Time is yours for whatever you want to use it for.  But the vast, empty time, that is what the problem is.  We don’t have to think of days in hours, weeks in days, months in weeks.  Time just flows across the 3 month break without a pause.  The old ideas of bedtime and wakeup time are evaporated.  Because of this empty time, I find my instinct is to simple rest.  Watch tv, take a walk, whatever.  The first week without constraint is liberating.  I feel content to just sit and stare at a screen, at other people, at the sky.  The heat of the sun and the coolness of the wind just add to the silence of my mind and the days.  

But then that feeling decays.  Everything becomes boring.  The destruction of the schedule makes it feel like an eternity of torture.  The suffering because of ennui is felt because of self-guilt.  Summer isn’t real life.  Real life is when we must follow the path we have set out or what is set out for us.  In real life, actions have consequences.  Summer is a break from work or consequences, one can do whatever they want.  But with that, guilt arises since the disassociation between the two modes of existence creates a dichotomy in my psyche.  Sometimes this prompts people to do something of merit, sometimes.  Sometimes it breaks a person and makes them even lazier.  The most likely outcome is that the boredom makes someone do something they wouldn’t normally do.  Something insane.  It isn’t real life right?  Why fall under the same constraints?  Pursue an activity you wouldn’t try, create something, try something cool, just in some way be radical. Somehow compensate for the boredom.  Somehow making us feel like we exist during this break period.  

During summer, time isn’t a factor.  The normal weight and influence of time is discarded.  This feeling makes summer feel eternal.  We are desperate to dispel the boredom, forcing ourselves to pursue something, to throw our heart and soul into it.  But in that way we feel alive.  We actually experience life by going beyond what is normally considered life.  The emotions like joy and sorrow are exaggerated in an existence that isn’t bounded like real life.  But then that “eternal” time ends.  The time staring at a computer screen that felt like a lifetime was actually just another second ticking away from summer.  Same with the fun activity that felt like a moment that actually was a day. Where is that large emptiness that existed when this process started?  

What is left?  Memories.  The actions in summer have no consequences in real life.  The only way those actions can leave an imprint is in memories.  By existing not based on how others want us to live but based on rash and impractical actions, we have created memories that are truly ours.  A summer, a moment that is truly ours.  A time where nothing was holding us back.  But then we slowly go back to the old routine.  Work and obligations start to pile up and self-fulfillment takes a back seat.  Just make sure those memories will never fade.  I hope you don’t let them.  The feeling of being alive, the feeling of being happy, those are important memories.  Even if the details don’t stick, at least remember the emotions.  The only way to preserve our humanity is to reflect on our experiences.  That will remind us that we are young, we are flawed, and most of all, we can create our own meaning.  

Rant done. 

Present Me is Alright, but Little Me was Cool Too

So in 9^th grade my English teacher Mrs. White made us write a letter that she would save and give to us when we graduated.  Well it is graduation time and I received my letter.  Here are the contents of the letter (my comments from the present will be in parentheses).  

Dear Tomy,

Hello Tomy of the future, just like a time capsule this letter has been kept until you graduate. (wonder what she taught me because I need a comma in this sentence). Back in 2009, you were a normal, but not average, teenager. (2009 doesn’t seem that long ago.  Why did I consider myself normal?) You love to go on the computer and play video games like Pokemon Diamond (I still love the computer and pokemon; Little Me knows what he is talking about).  You recorded TV show on VCR tapes to watch later. (Back in the day I watched a lot of TV, mostly the history channel and discovery channel).  Your friends were Rei, Mark, Joel, Patrick, Zach, Lydia, and New Mike (don’t talk to Rei, Mark, and Joel that much, but we are still friends.  New Mike I have never seen since 9^th grade).  You have read the Sword of Truth series and loved it.  (Now I have read the criticisms so I still like it but realize its flaws). You have almost taken your 3^rd SAT and you are panicked about what you will get on it.  (Aww that is so cute of Little Me to panic).  Right now, you have to do a bulletin board and a behavior change project for health and two papers in English, which is a lot of work by your standards.  (Still sounds like a lot of work…) You use phrases like “bushknee” and “Oye vey” while speaking at home constantly.  (I still use oye vey, bushknee very little after I forced myself to stop).  You have done many things well also.

You are working on guitar and golf.  (Sort of gave up on golf). You are going to PAVAN for the second time for guitar.  (PAVAN is where it is at!) You have almost downloaded all the Pokemon field music and are forming your religious views of agnosticism.  You are part of no clubs, but are thinking of joining one.  (A team, robotics, Key club, NHS…so I guess I did eventually).  During the summer, you volunteered at the Winchester Medical Center.  All of these achievements are leading up to reaching your goals.  

 Your goals were to get all A’s, become a better guitar and golf player, and receive a good score on the SAT.  You wanted a 5.0 GPA, and hopefully you have that. (Sorry Little Me, only 4.45).  Your guitar playing better be sweet after all those PAVANs and your practicing. (What practicing…).  SAT, please say it is above 2000, hopefully.  (Don’t worry Little Me, 2330 :) ) By now, you better have reached your goals, except the half-marathon.  (hahahahaha, god I’m funny).  

Remember how your Indian parties were.  Friends and family all around you being as joyful as you were.  Remember the camping tradition of always playing Parchessi at night in Wasiq’s tent.  Surika had to stay completely quiet and Chundra and you were always allies.  Friends are always the best people because you can share your thoughts and feelings with them and they will always have the right things to say.  Even though you are now going to a new world, remember to keep your friends close, and never listen to Machiavelli.  (Wow, I respect Little Me after reading that).  

I hope that when you are reading this you know what you will do in life (nope), have a huge amount of experience (not really), and have the power to control your own destiny (who can tell?).  Go to an amazing college and show them what you can do.  Always try to preserve your capital (will do boss) and don’t make stupid mistakes. (thanks Little Me…) Make your own goals and try to achieve them.  Remember what you have learned and propel yourself to prosperity.  Remember, survival of the fittest, god is a lie/misinterpretation, and good luck.   

Deepak De from Back in the Day.

Does this really require me to make a reflection?  Probably, but I think the connection between the past and present and progress (or lack of progress) made is self-explanatory. 

Present Me is Alright

Today was good.  Had a big brunch and played ultimate Frisbee.  I feel like I forgot something…oh IT WAS THE LAST DAY OF GOV SCHOOL.  Walking back from ultimate Frisbee (and feeling like a champ), it suddenly hit me when I was supposed to leave the lounge.  Made me feel like I wasted my time.  Said goodbye to people I will never see again, gave a big hug to old JD Primate, and kept up my arrogant persona in front of Burton and Harrington. 

Since I know I must say something about gov school, here it goes.  We students know it for what it is.  It isn’t superior to normal school learning wise, but it is so much better.  Chill teacher coupled with little work is a godsend for a lazy student.  The classes were not too boring (lin algebra...) so I was driven to work by myself.  I became more aware of the world outside of my school since I actually started to know people from other schools.  Last but not least, field trips, seminars, and breakfasts just added to the awesomeness.  I may love gov school for all the wrong reasons, but I would lie to the school board that gov school is the PINNACLE to keep that place existing.  

So now that is done, something I don’t know how to feel about.  Three times today people were surprised I wasn’t ready to ditch school.  I guess I don’t act like the person who would be sentimental and clingy to school.   First was Mr. Burton and his surprise that I would be coming for the ice cream social.  Though I haven’t dived into MVGS like others, I still love it (previous paragraph).  The second was Mrs. Andrews when I told her I’m definitely coming next week to her class.  Even if I would be doing nothing for 1.5 hours, I would still go.  The last was my bus driver who wanted to get me a drink on the last day.  I guess she expected seniors to be fed up and want to leave.  I seem to keep those feelings to myself.  Though I’m not devoted to these schools and have this huge depression after leaving them, I still want to savor the last few days.  

The last thing that is worth mentioning is the senior slide show.  All seniors went to the auditorium and watched all the senior’s pictures come up on the screen.  I sat beside VNA so we were yelling the whole time, saying stupid stuff but having fun.  It was really weird seeing people I haven’t talked to for forever.  The names of students I knew from middle school and the beginning of high school forced some random memories to surface.  Though VNA was probably yelling just to have fun, my yelling ended up being the way I expressed my feelings of the memories that I recalled.  I forget everything.  Today Andrew was talking about 3^rd grade, which I didn’t remember, and one girl was saying how we have known each other for 8 years, yet I didn’t really recall any memories of her.  It was cool having memories come back to me during the slideshow.  

So the end of high school is upon me.  I’ll probably end up forgetting most of it, so to put my feelings at this moment down in writing, I say we block out the bad memories and think of the good when we look back.  That is how I’m seeing my high school life; I can only see the good.  Though it probably wasn’t the reality, it feels good to know that I had happy memories.  Hmm that reminds me that I didn’t write about my letter…I’ll save that for tomorrow.  For now peace out.  

P.S. ALWAYS have your iPod charged.  You never know what sentimental moment you will get into that requires some good background music.