What I Do While Overwhelmed

Everybody feels overwhelmed in their lives, maybe even every week haha.  Something I realized what I do when I’m overwhelmed is just stop, ignore the problem, and deal with something easier instead and just push that problem to the future.  Usually I would just say, “oh that is just me being a procrastinator,” but as my accounting teacher said, you have to find the root of the problem, not a symptom. 

The example our teacher uses is that people go to the doctor and say “I have a fever and a runny nose.” No those are symptoms, the problem is you may have the flu or a sinus infection.  In the same vein, just saying I’m procrastinating isn’t enough, I have to find the cause.

Probably a big thing is that I’m worried I would make something worse.  When you are overwhelmed everything seems to be shaky and that one little action will cause everything to fall apart.  Since I don’t fully know what I want to do and how to proceed in this dangerous environment, I end up thinking that I may realize the answer later so I put it off till that time.  

An even bigger point is that sometimes I don’t want to take responsibility for the position I’m in.  It is almost like acting is admitting you are in a difficult position, and that it is your responsibility to get out of it.  Sometimes I feel it is someone else’s fault and that I should wait until that person makes a move before I make my own.  Maybe that person will come in and sweep the problem away because they are responsible too in my mind.  While I await the cavalry to save me, I do nothing, never fixing the problem.   

So those are two quick reasons I could think of why I don’t act when I’m overwhelmed.  It is bad to not do things at the time you need to do things the most, but like a deer in the headlights, problems sometimes makes you freeze.  

More Brain Dump

I’m really out of it today so I probably can’t write anything of substance, so I’ll just write random stuff. 

Being Pre-Comm means I have to take a language, which for me is Japanese.  I find it interesting how different people dedicate themselves to Japanese.  Some try to peruse it in every aspect of their lives; some fill their walls with kanji , others just ask a lot of questions.  I don’t know what my dedication to learning it is.  I had lunch with Baylee and Sam today and they were talking about how after they graduate how they want to work with Japanese or in Japan.  I never had such thoughts, so why do I put so much effort into learning this language? 

Also because this class is everyday, I have to plan my schedule around it.  It is really troublesome because I can’t take a lot of classes, but I am ok with that.  In my piano class I asked Liya if she is going to take piano again and she said “yeah I planned my schedule around it.” That is exactly what I do with Japanese but I never thought of planning my schedule around something else.  Just shows our priorities.

Because I was super out of it today, I avoided people during dinner but still Anne sat with me.  I feel so trapped because I wanted to talk and be normal but it was like my body wouldn’t let me do anything.  It is how I felt all day but it just annoyed me the most then.  She said that I was quieter than last year, which really hit me.  Not just quieter today, but from last year.  I have to agree with it, which makes me sad.  At this point I can’t tell which side can win, my super quiet side or my social side.  I feel I swing to the extremes of both of them and never find a middle. 

So whenever I’m in this strange state of not being able to do something, I have to make up something to do.  So I decided to try to change on of my habits. This is strange but I don’t actually look at females in the face…I know I know strange and I don’t really know why but I always turn away or just look far off.  I doubt people notice but for me it is really obvious.  Maybe that is why I recognize people by their hair style since I look at that more than their face.

 

Anyway so I felt this would be a good moment to practice that so I just stared at Anne’s face.  Might as well go all out you know haha.  I’ll need to practice more but I decided to start now. 

So yeah some random stuff because I don’t really want to talk about anything deep.  

It's a Small World After All and Catching Up Dinners

Walking to taekwondo tonight was a great feeling.  I love walking around on an autumn night because it is dark yet still warm.  Just sort of relaxing to walk and just think.  I wished I had somebody to walk and talk with but I feel that the night would pull me into my own thoughts instead of talking to the other person. 

I feel that my world is getting smaller.  First year obviously made my world a lot larger.  Meeting so many new people from different countries with different interests really stops a person from seeing the world with a narrow mind.  Now I settled into my clubs and the crazy amount of work I have.  I feel my world is my classes, Newcomb, and the library occasionally.  Many of the people I talked to last year and who were in my life are now gone; nowadays I mostly see the same people every day.  That is mostly due to the circumstances of a second year, but it just makes the world seem smaller.

Of course that isn’t a bad thing to only hang out with a few people.  You only really need a few close friends, but I still am in the naïve phase that I like to be friends with a lot of people, have minor conversations and just chill.  I’ll grow out of it someday but for now this is how it is.

When I do meet someone I haven’t seen for a long time, one thing I really dislike is “yeah let’s have dinner to catch up.” I’m not saying that they are bad because I would rather have those dinners than not see the person, but I don’t really like them. 

I just don’t know what to say.  You have lived without that person in your life for like a month, then after this dinner you may not see them until another month.  I rather like continual updates and at every meeting just talk about a few things, but for these dinners you have to explain everything.  It is like you have to use your time wisely because it is limited, but with a friend you should be able to talk with them whenever you need to, not just at a set time. 

The energy I have for maintain friends this year either went down, or the challenge of maintaining them went up.  As usual, I am probably just going to now do anything and let it all happen around me. 

Honorary Members

A phrase that I’ve been hearing thrown around a lot these days is “I’m an honorary member of…”  The reason I dislike that phrase is, surprise surprise, sometimes I end up thinking the same way, even though I know it is wrong. 

You act like an honorary member when you want to be a part of something like a club or community so you go to events or hang out there, but you are not an official member.  The main problem is that you feel you are an actual member, but in reality you are not.  This simple fact is what causes problems.

The first problem is that as an honorary member you are usually there for the good times or the fun activities, but when it comes to working and struggling in the group, you can just pull the “I’m not actually part of this group” card.  Being part of a group means to be part of it in good or bad times, so being able to duck out when the going gets tough reflects badly.

The next thing is you are not usually there for all events or the entire time.  So inside jokes or events that all have been exposed to make no sense to you when you come back.  Honorary members float in and out whenever they please, but there is no time to catch up with all the experiences the group had when you were gone. 

The final and probably the most important is that the group will always put their members first.  You may think that as an honorary member you deserve special treatment or that you earned a place in their community, but when push comes to shove the actual members will always win because they have something you will never have.  The innate gap between real and honorary members is the one I find the most hard to understand because people want to think they belong but in a sense they do not.

I probably didn’t get all the aspects of this but these are a few problems I’ve encountered that I just wanted to say. 

Readjustment

So why did I wait until the second week to make a back to school post? Mostly to see if how I feel is not just based on first week. 

The ship of Theseus’s paradox implies you can watch something completely change and still call it the same thing just because the changes are small and gradual.  I think the same can be said about UVA.  It is still UVA, but there are small changes that if you really care to notice them make the place seem different.  They can be small things like no bubble tea stand (why does life hate me so!) or the changed layout in Ohill or big things like the bridge being fixed and the bus system going crazy as well as all these new dorms being build that has created a new community on that part of grounds. 

Those are more external changes but there are personal changes, such as a new dorm, a new roommate, a new lifestyle pretty much.  Things that were accepted as fact before are not anymore.  The times to get to the dining hall and classes are different and I see a different roommate in the my room every day.  Now you may ask why I didn’t really face this problem last semester.  That is mostly because I mirror my schedules on my previous ones so the change wasn’t big, but since I live in a new dorm just having a mirrored schedule doesn’t take into account that change. 

Of course the most obvious change is that I’m a second year now.  Now I’m the one explaining where buildings are, what classes to take, and other random helpful tips.  UVA is very catered towards first years, especially the first few weeks.  It really does feel strange to not be a first year.  You are almost trained here to be able to say your name, year, and major without thinking about it.  It is a change of your identity at UVA.

I used to think that I’m good at adjusting to new situations and I think I can still agree on that, but I need to add something.  I may be good at adjusting to new situations, but I’m not so good at adjusting to old situations that have changed.  This readjustment is harder than I thought it would be, but I gotta suck it up. 

It has been a long time since something has actually “hit me.”  Like how when I watched K-On and I really felt that feeling that “woah I’m going to be graduating my high school.”  I’ve had many of those this week such as “this is the road I used to walk to my dorm but now there is a new path everybody takes” or when I ate with Ryan “wow I will not see him every day because we are not roommates anymore.” I don’t think I can say it has been hard on me, but all these little things I’m not used to yet. 

Much more I want to say, but to blanket all those extra things by saying I feel I’m trying to live my life as if I’m still continuing my first year instead of accepting my new status and situation.  Hopefully I’ll learn and figure it all out. 

Video Games, Fantasy, and Escapism

. 

I’m not one for playing video games, but because I had a lot of time over the summer I played Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite.  I can say it isn’t a new experience since it is just a story in a different media.  Still, many people are dedicated to video games and use it as an escape, so I wanted to think about what is appealing about things like this

Good game

I’m more of a reader, but if you look at the books I read, they are mostly sci-fi and fantasy novels.  This trend started Freshman year of high school and hasn't really stopped since.  Is the huge interest in video games not a similar escapism as I do with books? With the great 3D and HD quality of video games, they create a digital fantasy that is on par with the imagination I use when reading books. 

When you think about it, nowadays a fantasy book or video game is successful because of its world building.  Probably the first would be the Lord of the Rings series.  It isn't just a fantasy novel, but it created a whole universe with maps, history, even languages (that people actually speak at conventions…). It is a formation of a new world that one can jump into, destroying the self in this reality for a brief moment. 

I doubt anybody could truly escape reality playing old games like Pong or Tetris, but modern games like Bioshock are so good at world building and immersion that people spend a huge amount of their time online.  Think about the hours people spend on World of Warcraft, almost as much as they work or go to school.  This generation is immersed in the digital world so deeply that it is hard to ignore. 

And it will definitely not stop there.  Google glass and virtual reality will take it to the next level, blending reality and fantasy.  In a short story of Sword Art Online, one of the characters, after coming out of virtual reality, said the first thing she feels is “the weight of my physical body.” Will there always be such an obvious marker between reality and fantasy? Will we ever return to the real world? Or just as people want to escape into fantasy, want to escape into reality?

Our Future?

Our era is a very scientific era.  You ask someone what the world is made up of and they will probably say atoms.  This materialism helps scientists and philosophers answer questions about the world.  Emotions? Chemicals in the brain. God? Doesn't have a physical embodiment and has no place in this idea.  The world thinks in this materialist view that has spread through globalization

Idealism is more about consciousness.  It is the artistic expressionism to the not so metaphorical realism.  Just as the famous “this is not  a pipe,” Idealism support stories and thoughts as reality instead of physical particles.  It is hard to not see this idea taking root in the arts, such as fantasy.  Just look at Marvel moves, Harry Potter, etc. and think about the genuine love and influence those things have created in people.  If I dare say, it is similar to religion, which creates genuine love and influence in people through an idea. 

Though the world is materialist, isn't some of it as fantastical as anything else?  Private jets, country clubs, penthouses, those are all real yet not.  They are not part of my reality and as good as not existing.  There is only your daily existence.  Working and fighting for the things you want or need, with no divine plan.  To be ironic and quote the bible as I talk about materialism “for dust you are, and to dust you shall return.” 

The material world is harsh, so I see why people escape into the fantasy world.  Invest in a world where you are a hero, in a world based on you, where there is a single plot driving you forward.  The real world is mostly ruled by the powerful and wealthy.  We are just beings that come and go and that can only grab so much on this Earth.  Maybe watching heroes in movies or playing as one in video games isn't a bad thing.  The limits of society are gone and we are allowed to be free.  Maybe being in that alternate world will allow us to learn something about ourselves, that can empower ourselves to do better in the real world.  As Damien Walter said, “The world is not made of atoms. It is made of the stories we tell about atoms.” Escapism allows us to find that story and influence our own life.  

Arrogance

I always find it interesting how some things in society have double standards.  They are bound to occur, but actually critically finding them is fun.

We all accept that arrogant people can be jerks.  The ones that think the world revolves around them and when they enter a room everybody is there for the sake of them.  I think it is just part of society to condemn such thoughts. Most people never act that extreme and if they think it, they keep it hidden.  It just isn't accepted.  But what about the opposite? Instead of thinking that everybody in the room is there to praise, what if a person thinks that everybody in the room is there to criticize?

The idea of everybody criticizing you is much more common and acceptable.  Maybe because it is lowering yourself instead of raising yourself, but I can't find this attitude meek.  It is arrogance in the same vein.  The important point in each one is that people are noticing you in the first place.  Both situations the person places him or herself in the center, which is pretty much what ego does.

Just understanding this similarity helps so much.  Think of all the people who panic over public speaking.  What do they think will happen? That the crowd will become a mob? During a presentation, most people get the main details, then faze out.  You know you haven't always fully paid attention to someone else's presentation, maybe to text or just because you were bored.  People don't care enough about others to wholly criticize, so it is slightly arrogant to think that everybody will fully pay attention to you and nitpick any flaw.

Maybe I'm being a bit critical, but I don't see how one is more acceptable than the other.  Both are extreme cases but there is enough people who think close to the poles that can prompt this thought.

Walking to the Library

If you know me at all, you can probably guess I have a ton of memories and crazy adventures at the library.  The library is 50 min away by foot according to google maps. Now being an adult and able to drive, it would take 5 min to get there by car. But as a middle or high schooler, I couldn’t drive, so 50 min would have been the barrier I saw.  This is how I did the math.  In those days I would come home at 3pm and my parents would come home at 5pm.  If the walk is 50 min, I could walk there, spend 20 min finding a book, and come back in time.  I never actually did this, but it seemed plausible.  Today, I decided to take that adventure to go there and come back in a 2 hour span.

I took all the tools necessary: my expired library card, my driver’s license to prove I exist so I can renew my library card, my MVGS backpack that I know can hold all the books I want, and my cell phone because every story needs a deus ex machina.  Since the library opens at 10am, I left at 9:10 predicting I would make it in time.  It was a cool 70 degrees…if you ignore the 80% humidity.  Keeping my backpack on made me sweaty.  Not wanting to get sweaty so early in the journey because of an empty backpack, I took it off and held it in my hand, switching off as my arm got tired holding its emptiness.  On the way, I got bored with just walking, cursing the fact I didn’t leave my headphones in the backpack.  Luckily, Krystal was online to discuss sophisticated topics like James, makeup, and if North Korea is actually a Chinese conspiracy.  By distracting myself, I past my normal running zone into uncharted territory. 

You thought I wasn't serious didn't you?

I continued in the direction to the library, keeping parallel to the main road.  Zigzagging through the suburban jungle, I realize that sometimes you need to go deeper in order to escape…aka I hit a cul de sac and needed to find another road.  I went deeper until I hit a road called Lakeside.  Knowing I needed a road with an L, but not realizing it was named for the lake at its side, I took the road until I ended up at another fork.  I proceeded deeper until I ended up at another cul de sac.  I had 20 min until 10am, so I didn’t want to admit defeat.  I took the path any adventurer would take: I sat down behind a bush to hide and opened google maps on my phone.  I was going the right direction…if I wanted to climb through a swamp and swim a lake.  I found which way I needed to go and retraced my steps.

I proceeded to the road that led to the main road.  I repeatedly glanced at the swamp at my side, knowing that if I crossed it I would get to the library quickly.  I calculated the risk of getting wet in the swamp vs. taking this path to the main road.  As I contemplated, a girl with a pick bicycle whizzed past me. With her backpack and water bottle, I assumed she was also going to the same destination, so I tried to follow her.  Alas, wheels are the king of the road while feet are just peasants.  I quickened my stride until the road ended; there was only a few feet to the library.  I saw the girl rolling her bike up the grassy hill.  As a mature person, I internally laughed at how the situation changes, as grass is super effective against bikes while feet have dominion.  I finally got to the library at 9:56, so I chilled by the lake, happy about my accomplishment. 

Good thing I didn't actually swim this

Finally entering the cool library, I found all the books I wanted and went to check them out.  Showing them my card, they ask me my age.  Naïve as I was, I told them the truth, not realizing the implications.  The woman broke the news to me: I am an adult, and as such I need a totally new library card. I was sent to fill out an online form for a new card.  The form was simple enough, with the exception that it required a middle name, which I do not possess.  I tricked the computer with a space and printed out the form.  Afterwards I gave it to the lady and she took my old card and cut it in front of my eyes! I don’t remember things well, I sometimes don’t remember my home telephone number, but one number I have never forgotten was my library number.  It was the key to 2 hours of internet at the library as a child and it allowed me to check out books at handley without actually bringing my card.  In one fell swoop that number was destroyed in front of my eyes and I was handed a new one.  For all time, let 29925000705223 live on in our hearts. 

I finally got my books and left the library at 10:25.  I got back home at 11:00 exactly.  Overall the trip took 1 hour and 50 min, so as a kid I may have made it back home in time, though I’m probably more fit/have longer legs now.  Though just a minor event, I’ll add all the symbolism I want to it because I can! Fulfillment of childhood by going? Check. Rejection of adulthood by not driving? Check. Rejection of childhood by society symbolized by the cutting of the old card? Check.  I can spin it however I want.  This is why life is sometimes cooler than books I brought home

. 

The Pride of Tragedy

I was watching Honey and Clover today (great show btw) and it made me realize something.  So the main girl has an unrequited love for a boy.  A lot of what happens in the show is her crying and feeling sad about  how she is not good enough.  She purposefully goes into situations she knows she will be hurt in to “face the truth.” Another guy likes her but she refuses to associate with him.  Her reason is that her love for the other guy will be false then.  It is not that hard to tell that she has a more interior feeling: pride in her own tragedy. 

It is an interesting concept.  She calls her love her “bittersweet treasure.” She wants to stay wallowing in her sadness, even getting into situations where it is exacerbated, just to maintain it.  She says “God, I didn’t want to be saved; I just wanted to keep crying over him.”

It may seem strange but people do feel proud about those differences.  When I was thinking about I realized I do the same.  I always say that I sit at home all the time and don’t interact with people even though I do go to some friend’s houses.  When confronted with my inaccuracies it isn’t hard to refute it because it is strange for others to see me arguing that I am worse off than I actually am.  In the same sense it is weird that she would rather not be saved and instead wants wallow in her sadness.  

Now that I think about it I do it a lot. I could argue that I am just making a simplification that can accurately portray my situation, but then that is another excuse.  People, including me, like to own their tragedies like prizes, even if they don't always realize it.  

Sharing, Judging, and an Exercise in Selfishness

I read an article on sharing today (very sciencey so not really that related to this post), but it did get me thinking about my attitudes on sharing.  I consider myself a pretty open person in that if someone asks me something about my life, I’ll answer it honestly.  I am plain so there is not much to hide.  I understand people who don’t want to talk about themselves.  Maybe they think it is pointless or the other person will not understand; people live their own way.  I’m also not like a Japanese author who pours his soul into his book so it is exposed to all.  Really people who want to know learn about me , so I guess so far that is a good policy.

Why do I understand people who don’t follow that policy?  Because I don’t follow it in sharing things I like.  Ask me what my favorite book or song is and I’ll probably not give you an answer.  One because I don’t really think of art in those terms and two because I think there is no point in telling others.  I do like it when others give me book, song, and TV shows recommendations, but I think it is common knowledge that by giving others a recommendation, you are exposing yourself to judgment. 

I don’t think it is wrong to judge those things.  If someone recommends me a book I don’t like, I’ll judge them on it because they liked it.  Just means we have different tastes.  Judging isn’t bad; it is just a way to organize data in the brain.  Still people don’t like to be judged for their tastes so that could be a reason I hesitate on giving recommendations. 

I’ve mentioned deep personal stuff and recommendations, but even everyday life gets shared. With Facebook (and blogs ahem), people now share their ordinary thoughts and feelings to the world.  Last summer I wanted to take a lot of photos of things I’ve done and share it with people.  I think it was part I wanted to prove to people I didn’t really sit around all day and to keep up with others who throw out their daily life on Facebook too. 

I realize how pointless a lot of that is now.  Things like taking pictures and posting them has a sharing element to them, but I think it is better used to organize your memories.  I mean why else do we take pics but to look back on them later with nostalgia.  I use this blog to organize my thoughts for myself, hence why I may leave some thoughts unspoken because they feel obvious to me.  Yeah I share this blog with people but I would be just as content by writing all this in a word document and saving this on my computer.  Selfish or not? I don’t really know.  Depends on if these words are worth being read by anybody other than me.

Overall I think I'm slowing growing into a person who shares less about myself.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go; more that you have to adjust it as you live.    

Relaxing in the summer

Bored so I wrote a poem.  Pretty much a sonnet, but I inverted some of the iambic pentameter.

Remember

Stages of tales have a place in my mind

Life is made grand by the ruse that it plays

When your thoughts go back to the former days,

A softened light is cast on what you find.

Mind, how do you make these changes so? To

make me see and adore the wounding blade?

Or find the thoughts that hide in darkest shade

and turn them sane when dragged to open view?

But mind, why must you be romantic now?

I sing the names as thoughts fill up my sight.

You add emotions where there was just slight,

In things ignored, significance endow

You see my pains and wrap them as a gift

For change is better than letting them drift

Habits

Saying "um" a lot. Scratching your head when you are nervous. Little triggers in our life cause us to go back to our habits.  It is better than exploring unfamiliar territory.  

Aristotle said excellence is a habit, but emotions are habits too. 

Anger, loneliness, and distrust are all habits.  

Bad habits are horrible shortcuts that satisfy our minds in the moment, but hurt us in the long term.  

Once you realize your emotions are habits just like fidgeting with your pencil, then you can manage them better. 

Finding Happiness

So I just recently read 1Q84 by Murakami. Interesting book though not one of his best.  It is a 1000+ book based on his short story “On Meeting my 100% Woman One Fine April Morning. ” In that story a man passes his “100% woman.” He doesn’t understand why she is, just that she is.  He tells his friend about it and thinks about what he should have said to her. 

Was a long book haha

He wanted to tell her a story of two children who were 100% man and women for each other, but doubted life could be that easy, so as a test they went their separate ways to see if they would meet each other later.  Each get a freaky cold that makes them lose their memories, and when they pass each other on the street again they recognize each other as their 100% man and women but do not respond on that feeling and keep walking. 

After reading 1Q84, one line in the short story still bugs me.  When the two children doubt that life can be easy, the story says, “However, a tiny, really tiny, doubt drifted across their hearts; could it really be all right for a dream to come completely true this simply?” As a reader I felt that if they knew, then why do they have this doubt, but now it makes more sense.

I always question if a feeling I have is my own or something that all humans feel, but usually I don’t know.  Maybe doubting happiness is something all of us feel.  People always say life is hard but you can get great joy from it, but what if we reject that joy?  That self-doubt destroys any hope for happiness if you don’t believe you deserve it.

I’m not going to be up here saying “everybody deserves happiness” because I have not really given much thought into the philosophy of happiness.  If anybody has any good ideas about it please tell me.  Something I do understand is how easy it is to reject happiness and to fill that space with negative thoughts and doubts.  Their situation in the story was so clear cut, yet they still rejected happiness.  Hopefully there is something is us that can prevent that and find happiness.  

Here is a link to the short story if anybody wants to read it.  6 pages you can handle it. 

On Meeting my 100% Woman One Fine April Morning

Standing Still

First post of break. I expected I would have more motivation to write but then life gets in the way so no feeling to write.  Been keeping myself busy by reading, programming, doing internship work and learning Japanese.  I have to say, I’m pretty content with doing this for 3 months..and I hate that.

I hate that I can be content with sitting in my room and just doing things to amuse me.  I guess people will think I’m weird, one that I can amuse myself well enough to not really care about things and two that I dislike that.  To the first, if you know me, I am easily amused and whatever keeps my mind moving is enough to distract me.  To the second, well that may require more words.

I’ve always been pretty solitary and have survived like that, but I also lack a lot of drive to do things.  Maybe that is just a human thing of staying in our comfort zone.  I’m pretty passive, going along with cool things as they come along, but never able to instigate them myself.  The bad thing is my mind is ok with that, and I let life slip away from me.  I could walk into UVA in 3 months and not feel my whole summer was used unwisely, even when it was. 

Maybe it is just something of this generation that always needs to do things and feels relaxing is wasting time, but I guess I’m swept up in that to.  I need to say concretely “I did this during the summer.” That also may be a wrong way to think; I don’t even know what to think. Something just tells me what I’m doing right now is wrong, and that is it wrong that I can so easily accept it.  

Cognitive Dissonance in Life

I usually have some intro stuff before I say what I want to say, but I got nothing so I'll just say it: this society is way too utilitarian.  No not really in the econ sense of the word, but in the sense that we must give a reason for everything we do.  There has to be some good or benefit in our actions.  I guess this reasoning is derived from the idea that we have a limited time on this Earth, but I don't know if it truly makes sense to me.

Some of it does of course.  I go to school for the payoff of a job in the future.  Then I will work a job so I get the benefit of cash, which I can use to get things I want.  In that sense, our lives are spent doing things for the sake of something else.  We don't really have to like the process as long as we like the end result.  

That sort of means that things don't have their own value, just a derived value.  Money is only valuable because it gets you things.  Work can be seen the same way since one primarily does it for money.  But can all activities be classified this way? The answer is yes they can be, but they really shouldn't be.  

In my life I have many examples of this, but I guess the best is Japanese.  If we must give a reason for everything we do I can say "it can get me a good job," "knowing another language is helpful," "I use a different part of my brain that helps my thinking skills," etc.  The thing is, none of those are wrong.  I could say these statements and believe them because they are all true and no one can refute it.  But in the end, it is all just rationalization.  I am not learning Japanese for a job or to boost my brain, I'm just doing it.  

The worth of an activity shouldn't just be valued on the end benefit.  Sometimes we just need to dedicate ourselves to the deed and not to the outcome.  I guess that is what we consider playing (adults can play too!) Growing up can be cruel as it makes us forget this natural idea as we get bogged by responsibilities and work.  For the few that can find something the truly enjoy and get payed for it, I'm impressed.  For the rest, it is the times we play in life that we want to talk about, want to express to others, and what ultimately keeps us sane.

Oh and Happy Birthday Fawzia!

Blank Slate

My friend reminded me that in the high school quarter system that it is the fourth quarter, so that means that school is drawing to a close.  That means another year is over and another group of people are graduating from high school or college.  For me it means that my first year at UVA will be done.  I don’t really want to write a reflection post on my first year because that would be way too long, so I’ll just stick with one topic. 

Sometimes I feel I understand what I am doing and how I justify my actions based on the fact I have been with me for so long, but one thing about myself I still can’t come to grips with.  Whenever I go into a new environment, I forget my past and neglect it.  Confusing right?  Might as well explain it using college as an example. 

College for all should be somewhat a fresh start, new people, new environment, etc. For some reason, when I went to college, my life was “reset” so to speak.  It was like I started at age 0 and nothing from the past was relevant anymore.  It was almost like 18 years of my life vanished. 

It was only during fall break in the first semester did I realize I innately did this.  Coming home was weird and I felt I forgot it all.  It made me remember that the new friends I made in 2 months had 18 years of life before meeting me.  It shook me how easily I rejected my past. 

I don’t know if this is what people mean when they say they want a blank slate in college.  I think saying you want a blank slate means you want to try to start things over, but embedded in that wish means you have to reject some of your past.  It is impossible to start fully from year 0, and even though my mind got close, I realized it isn’t the right approach to life. 

So people who are transitioning to college, workforce, any higher education, etc., I say do not wish to have a blank slate.  The memories and experiences in your life are yours and will be a part of you forever.  To reject that is a fault in thinking.  It is probably a fault I committed accidentally, but that is no excuse for me.  

Changed by Experience

So I’m confused about something.  They say that every experience changes a person and I think I can believe that.  What I’m confused about is the expression or manifestation of the change.  Reason I was thinking of all this was spring break.  People traveled to many different places, which is a new experience and would change them, yet we all came back and went back to our daily routines.  Where is the change?  How is it expressed? 

Yeah a lot of people went here

When I talked to the study abroad lady, she said one of the greatest struggles for a returning student is the problem that they have so much to say but nobody to listen to them.  I understand that completely because I felt the same way after coming back from visiting India during high school.  I went from being surrounded by so many people to being by myself in my room and I really wanted to tell people about my experience, but since others did not go through the experience how can they care?

Nobody to tell things too!

So back to people after spring break.  They traveled, they came back.  Do they not have stories about their experience they are dying to tell?  Do they not want to explain how they have changed?  I doubt every experience has a drastic change on a person but it could just be a minor change.  Without vocalizing it, it can be easily forgotten or ignored.

This all may just be a stupid thought.  “Why so expectant of a change; they only wanted to relax for a few days and that’s all.” My friend once told me that we don’t reflect on our lives during the happy times because we are in the moment, so why do I expect people to react any differently in this situation?  Maybe I just have a different view of experiences.

Is this really all we do during break...

Stuff like travel or any experience.  Is it just to do something different, something that is out of our normal day?  There is the grime that gathers by doing the same thing all the time.  It is a film on our eyes so that we can’t really see ourselves.  Just having a different experience allows us to take a good look at ourselves.  Maybe something is different out there, maybe through new people or interesting surroundings, but in the end it all reflects back to us.  Does that difference make us recognize something about ourselves and what does it mean for the future?

I don’t know if others think this way about experiences but I don’t feel that we can or should stay put after having one.  Maybe I’m just an open person who likes to talk, but I want to share my experiences with others, both for me to solidify my transformations and for others to understand alongside me .  

The Right Amount of Living Space (and Me Going off Topic)

So a lot of people have been looking for housing or already found it and for many one of their criteria is how much space they got.

It really makes me thing how much space do I need and what is the right amount of space.  At home I have two rooms: a sleeping room and a study room.  In reality my study room is just a huge storage spaces for the books I've collected over the years while I sit in a corner on my computer (like I'm doing now!) I definitely can survive with less space.

The only other place I've lived in for an extended period of time is my dorm.  Now since I've lived there for a long time, I think it is safe to say I can survive with that little space.  Still, I don't know if it is the right amount of space.

People may know that my room's messiness is based on my attitude, though I think it is opposite than most.  When I'm relaxed my room is messy and when I'm stressed my room is clean.  The reason is when I'm busy I like to take cleaning breaks to relax hence a clean room while stressed.  During those relaxed times,  my side feels like there is no room, so I could say my dorm doesn't have enough space because I feel like my messiness is surrounding me when I'm relaxed.


Those are the only two places I have to go on, so there is no real answer at the end of this blog.  I definitely don't need that much space.  Maybe it is best to make a list of things I need space for.


Things I need space for:
space to throw books I'm using at the moment that I can reach easily
Computer and a place to put paper to write on
area to place my clothes before I want to put them away
shelves to stick my mini library of books
pacing room (useful not for thinking, but for rocking out to music...)
sleeping (can't forget that since I'm tall)
clothes area

Hmm just writing this out just makes me realize how I'm just not in my dorm.  I leave early in the morning and don't come back until around a few hours before I go to sleep.  Probably because I sat in my room for 18 years I just want to chill around and not go back.  Still it is always nice to have a good area to come back to (see how I brought it back to living area). Since I'm usually not in my dorm it may seem I can survive in any place, but at the end of the day I think we all want a nice home with enough room to give us comfort.

I'll just be happy I don't live in this
Capsule Hotels in Japan

Learning Piano

I had to make one...but first time though

So one of the few things I came into college wanting to learn is how to play the piano.  Having a classical background because of guitar, I felt that the learning curve will be more gentle to me, and I was right.  Still it has been hard going.  I have been sneaking into Brown to use their piano and going to Old Cabell at odd hours to practice. Shoutout to my teacher Arden for being awesome and telling me where I am wrong!

Oh Scales...

There are so many random things that pianists need to know: scales, intervals, technique, sight reading, pieces, etudes, etc.  I've tried to hit many of them but it is hard to be well rounded.  Scales: I know C, G, D, and A major (yes Arden I've been trying other scales).  One handed, two handed, contrary motion, I'm trying to do them all.  Something I do need to work on is playing scales without looking at my hand.

Why you so fast Hanon?

For etudes I'm using Hanon's Virtuoso Pianist, which are fundamentally easy so one can practice technique and speed.  I only know the first three...(out of 60) so there is still plenty to learn from that.  I just can't get those fast because the figure patterns are not what I'm used to with my guitar knowledge.

I think it gets pleasure through mocking me

Now for the actual pieces.  I only know about 3. I am learning pieces that I can play at my level and some stretch pieces that take a while to play.  One thing I have to say for this TOMY LEARN BASS CLEF ALREADY.  But seriously knowing only part of it and having to count from there is a pain, but I don't know an efficient way to learn bass clef.

Yeah just wanted to post my progress after about 2 months of self-teaching/having Arden tell me what to do.  Good break from schoolwork that we have to do for a grade.

Snow Day!

I found today interesting enough that I felt I should blog about it. Woke up at 8 to see my SR’s email that classes are canceled.  Not knowing what else to do, a few people in my hall and I made the trek down to Ohill to grab some food to see they only have pastries.  Then chilled in my floor’s lounge for the day.  Someone realized that even though our dorm had no power, there was emergency power to…the TV! Yeah so we hooked up some extension cables to the TV and 5^th floor had power!  Video games and non-homework related shenanigans ensued so my day has been spent wisely.  

Cool Setup

Some things for some reason I remembered:

1) Why in the world did my dorm have WiFi yet no power?  IT people are that good.

2) The blue glow light in the night that signified that our power was going to go out was supposedly very beautiful 

3) The construction workers were still working in the snow. Sad sad

4) People complaining in the morning that Dominos didn't deliver

5) Trees falling everywhere!

6) Why does the TV have emergency power instead of say the study rooms or the hot water maker?

7) Everybody is complaining that our lounge is too hot and some one says "we should plug in a fan?" Then another person responded "where do you think we live? Old dorms?"

8) Rob saying "They didn't realize that us having no power would actually increase our video game playing time" 

9) Our floor becoming a pilgrimage site because we hooked up a microwave to the power so people came to warm up their food

Have to say a fun day of goofing off with people on my floor I never see at any other time.