May I rant? I hope
so. School is practically over and
summer is starting. Yeah yeah whoopty
doo. Before summer could just be a time
to relax and do nothing, but now it is supposed to be something to be
used. I feel obligated to do something
during the summer when normally I would just be lazy. I don’t feel old as in like 70, but I feel
old as in I’m not an innocent child. I understand
the idea of regret, how we look back and think how our lives could have been if
we performed another action.
When I was a kid, the future was something to strive for,
but right now, it scares me. The
unpredictability, the expectations. Though
I shouldn’t be saying this when I’m 18, I already feel constrained. As a child, wrongs could be righted, paths
not taken could be walked. The idea of
responsibility and time was nonexistent.
What is there now? Most of the
day is spent making sure we don’t fall into delinquency. Self-improvement requires a huge amount of
extra effort.
Summer is supposed to be the release of that. No constraint, no timetable, no
homework. Time is yours for whatever you
want to use it for. But the vast, empty
time, that is what the problem is. We don’t
have to think of days in hours, weeks in days, months in weeks. Time just flows across the 3 month break
without a pause. The old ideas of
bedtime and wakeup time are evaporated.
Because of this empty time, I find my instinct is to simple rest. Watch tv, take a walk, whatever. The first week without constraint is
liberating. I feel content to just sit and
stare at a screen, at other people, at the sky.
The heat of the sun and the coolness of the wind just add to the silence
of my mind and the days.
But then that feeling decays. Everything becomes boring. The destruction of the schedule makes it feel
like an eternity of torture. The suffering
because of ennui is felt because of self-guilt.
Summer isn’t real life. Real life
is when we must follow the path we have set out or what is set out for us. In real life, actions have consequences. Summer is a break from work or consequences,
one can do whatever they want. But with
that, guilt arises since the disassociation between the two modes of existence creates
a dichotomy in my psyche. Sometimes this
prompts people to do something of merit, sometimes. Sometimes it breaks a person and makes them
even lazier. The most likely outcome is
that the boredom makes someone do something they wouldn’t normally do. Something insane. It isn’t real life right? Why fall under the same constraints? Pursue an activity you wouldn’t try, create
something, try something cool, just in some way be radical. Somehow compensate
for the boredom. Somehow making us feel
like we exist during this break period.
During summer, time isn’t a factor. The normal weight and influence of time is
discarded. This feeling makes summer
feel eternal. We are desperate to dispel
the boredom, forcing ourselves to pursue something, to throw our heart and soul
into it. But in that way we feel
alive. We actually experience life by
going beyond what is normally considered life.
The emotions like joy and sorrow are exaggerated in an existence that
isn’t bounded like real life. But then
that “eternal” time ends. The time
staring at a computer screen that felt like a lifetime was actually just
another second ticking away from summer.
Same with the fun activity that felt like a moment that actually was a
day. Where is that large emptiness that existed when this process started?
What is left?
Memories. The actions in summer
have no consequences in real life. The
only way those actions can leave an imprint is in memories. By existing not based on how others want us
to live but based on rash and impractical actions, we have created memories
that are truly ours. A summer, a moment
that is truly ours. A time where nothing
was holding us back. But then we slowly
go back to the old routine. Work and
obligations start to pile up and self-fulfillment takes a back seat. Just make sure those memories will never
fade. I hope you don’t let them. The feeling of being alive, the feeling of
being happy, those are important memories.
Even if the details don’t stick, at least remember the emotions. The only way to preserve our humanity is to
reflect on our experiences. That will
remind us that we are young, we are flawed, and most of all, we can create our
own meaning.
Rant done.
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