There comes a point in life where stuff isn't just passed on to you. Eventually a person has to move on from receiving and become the person giving. We grow up and it is expected that we take some of the responsibility of the world.
Why am I saying this? PAVAN started this week. PAVAN is a 2 week music program that I have participated in for four years. My time with it is over and I can only witness the next generation going through the molding process I went through. It is strange and makes me horribly sad that I'm sitting here and not playing guitar with a group of my friends. Instead of feeling proud and happy I'm sitting here irritated. Why do I have to move on? I hate it so much that I can't even do anything today.
PAVAN was probably the greatest experience of my life and I miss it too dearly. I feel that most of my anger stems from me feeling like I'm still empty after leaving it. In the end, what did I really get from the program? My guitar skills haven't greatly improved, the friends I made I never talk to except at PAVAN, and the lessons I learned never stuck with me. The educational program was great, but my internal flaws prevented me from progressing. I can't even say it is time for me to become the person who gives when I'm probably worse than the person who is receiving.
I'm chatting with the PAVAN guitar teacher as I write this blog. It is weird to have both emotions present in my mind. Both of anger I have mentioned above but the joy of reminiscing. Maybe I didn't learn what I was supposed to in PAVAN, but it was still an experience I want others to have. In that sense, I have to step aside from receiving and allow others to take my place. I don't know if where I'm heading will be any better, but I'll have to try to find fun in it.
It is really easy to escape from this responsibility, scarily easy. There is nobody who can say they have always been prepared for responsibility. I still don't want to leave this comfort of receiving. I don't want to look after others. Maybe when I'm fully in that position will I enjoy it. That is how parents feel when teaching their children, maybe it is the same. I don't really fully understand my thoughts on this subject, but I'll figure it out eventually.
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