Fifth Week in Japan

My program isn’t over for another 2 weeks but mentally I feel I am already gone.  From others I here them lament about how short the program is and how they have fallen in love with Japan, but none of those emotions seem to spring out from me.  Many of those same people, even though they feel sad, already have full exchanges to Japan set up for the future or at least plan on coming back, but I feel it will be a long time before I come back.  I don’t feel that deep of a connection to this place.  I didn’t buy that much stuff except two books and I didn’t really make any deep friendships.  It is probably because I checked out, I’m too lazy to making friends and living in the moment.  As a fellow blogger said, “Some students gave me flowers. They’re plastic so I don’t have to water them. It’s a nice gesture, but lately I feel like those plastic flowers, being there and looking the part but not really living.”

The most obvious way I have noticed this trend is when people from UVA ask me, “how is Japan?” and I answer, “Just a normal life.”  Maybe it is my western individualism shining through but I am me and Japan is Japan.  As long as I am me, the location doesn’t really matter so my life is essentially the same.  I often walk out of class slightly shocked to see I’m in Japan. It is like I forget about it since I’m in my own little world all the time. 

Maybe this was caused because I kept being told that Japan will destroy my ego and try to reform me.  Since I kept hearing that, I chose to put myself above Japan.  I feel no need to assimilate or even try to assimilate because I’m here for a short time.  I wonder if I was here longer at what point would I let myself be whittled away by this culture. I have seen many people try to assimilate by acting more polite or even talking completely differently when using Japanese.  I am slightly shocked by it, but I would probably end up doing the same if I was here longer.

It is sort of scary in a sense.  In our western, humanist worldview, the self is king.  You are a being that makes decisions and affects the world around you.  It is hard not to have pride in who you are.  I am noisy and loud in class, blunt with the people around me and crazy with people I don’t know.  It is easy to define yourself by your actions and thoughts.  In Japan however, it is so easy to see these traits muzzled for the sake of getting along with teacher and fellow students.  Is our sense of self so weak that it can so easily bend to social customs? 

Life is always throwing stuff at us and we should always be changing our outlooks and ways of life, but for some reason Japan gives the atmosphere that it needs to be done sooner and without your permission.  I don’t know if I should be happy or not that I wasn’t here long enough to experience it fully.  Knowing this could be a part of my hesitation to fully dive into Japan and be as in love with it as others are.  I don’t know if what they are doing is just giving up themselves or living life to the fullest.  They say in Japan there is the うち or inside and the そと or the outside.  This applies to social groups, work relationships, even societal hierarchies.  Before I even allowed the Japanese to choose where to put me, I declare myself as a 外人 and that I am on the outside and will remain there.  Now I wonder if that was the best decision to make.  

P.S. Nikki always be hating that I don't put pictures so here is one ha!