Third Week in Japan:Goals

In class we were asked what we thought we would receive from our study abroad experience.  Many people automatically started writing stuff like culture, friends, and language, but I couldn’t really consider things I was going to receive.  I had to think why I even came here in the first place. Truly the reason was because a huge amount of my friends were also studying abroad and I had no plans during the summer.  I guess the only goal was to not be bored, but that is a low bar.  I am not bored when reading or watching shows either, but I can’t really go around saying I did that all summer so I came to Japan.  I mean I guess I learned some culture and a few random words, but mostly it has just been me confronting problems I thought I dealt with second year. 

The obvious goal of being in Japan is supposed to be learning Japanese, but I never really took Japanese for the purpose of learning it but more meeting all the people and having the fun classroom environment.  I realize now why the Chinese at UVA bind together and speak Chinese with each other.  For me the goal isn’t to learn Japanese but to talk to people, so if English is the best way to do it I have no qualms using English. 

I have sort of given up on trying to make Japanese friends.  Really the low bar of “not being bored” is that I have peeps to eat with since I hate eating alone, but not really make friends.  It is really possible and I applaud people like John and Carmen who can do it, and maybe I could if I put more effort but with the mindset I have it isn’t going to happen.  I’m probably missing a piece somewhere.  I randomly talk to Japanese people and go to lunch/dinner with them, but that only is the, “having someone to eat with,” not really the friend stuff.  Maybe because I came to Japan not expecting to make friends, I already had a mental block preventing it from happening. 

I wonder if it is a bad thing to assume and expect things so early.  I usually have this problem.  Like when I saw others go to Japan I was lik,e “oh that is something other people do but I’ll never have that chance so I’ll just sit here.”  Then when I get the chance to go to Japan I think “oh well I will just be doing random stuff and really not gain anything from it unlike others who have meaningful experiences.”  At some point what I think ends up being true maybe or maybe not because of my mentality.  Will probably need to do a whole separate post about that later. 

As Yozora said in Haganai, when you hit rock bottom you have nothing to lose. I seem to have that mentality a lot.  I think I have nothing to lose so I act like my crazy self and do things for my own amusement that is probably not beneficial for others nor in the long run for myself.  Though I doubt I will change, it is good for me to tell myself that I am losing opportunities by only doing that.  People find the balance between being crazy and being trusted and normal when necessary.  I’m still going around to extreme.

I guess the think I have learned from Japan is problems I thought were solved were not so I guess it is now time to fix them somehow….How the heck can Hachiman say he has never hated himself when it is so easy (People who understand this I applaud)