Once upon a time,
in a small Canadian town, Little Red Riding Hood lived with her
grandmother. Now this town was ruled by
an evil dragon called The Flammivomous
Dragon, and his henchmen, a giant, which only helps when needed. You see, Red and her grandmother where very
poor and barely had any Canadian dollars to spend. Worst of all they had to pay off a debt to
the seven dwarves, her grandmother lost to them in a poker game. Finally when the seven dwarves asked for
their money back the only way her grandmother could pay them back was to sell
their only possession, a moose.
“Red, go to the
market and sell our moose,” said her grandmother sadly. When Red was walking she saw this little man
cooking three pieces of bacon and a piece of cheese. Red decided to ask if he would want a
moose.
“Hello small man,
do you want to buy a moose?” Red asked.
“I will trade you
that moose for this piece of cheese if you can guess my name,” he
answered. “You can have three tries.”
“Is it Rumpelstiltskin?”
Red said proudly.
“Who would have
that weird name? “That sounds like a guy
who would spin straw into gold and steal babies” he responded.
“How about Mickey
Mouse?”
“Nope”
“Well, maybe it’s
Bill?” Red said nervously.
“What!!!” he yelled “No way you could have guessed that!!!” he said
angrily. “Here is your piece of cheese.” Then he thumped off into the Canadian
wilderness.
Red happily
skipped along with the cheese to her house.
When she got home her grandmother went berserk that Red sold the moose
for a piece of cheese. Her grandmother
sent Red to her room with no supper or porridge in the morning. She snatched the piece of cheese and threw it
in a toilet. After that, she stalked off
to watch her bad soap operas. What nobody
knew was that the cheese had a magic almond in it and by soaking in the toilet
water it grew and grew until it was a huge almond stalk. When Red woke up she saw a huge almond stalk
growing out of what was her bathroom.
She saw a note on the ground and picked it up. It said that her grandmother went out to beg
for some money. Famished and bored as
she was, she decided to climb the stalk.
After two hours and a couple of almond breaks, Red finally made it to
the top. She peered over the top of a
cloud and spotted, in the distance, a gigantic castle. Driven by curiosity, Red defied the laws of
physics and jumped on the white, puffy clouds to get to the castle. While merrily jumping she came upon a gingerbread
man who was also on the same cloud.
He yelled, “Run,
run, as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread…” Red bent down and gobbled up the delicious
pastry and went on her way. When she
arrived there she walked through a crack in the 3,000 ft. castle to a grand
kitchen that everything was larger than life.
On top of a counter she vaguely saw golden locks of hair and remembering
the stories her grandmother told her she called out, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let
down your hair.”
“I’m a golden
rooster, I don’t have hair and my name is Tim!” The thing on the counter
responded. Its feathers were what Red
saw.
“May you lay me
some golden eggs? My family is very
poor,” Red said slyly.
“Again, I’m a
golden rooster, I can’t lay eggs. That’s
my sister” the golden rooster responded.
Thump, Thump! It
was a sound of large feet. Red hid under
the refrigerator and peered out to see the henchman of The Flammivomous Dragon, the giant.
He was lad in heart-print boxers and an undershirt covered with grease
stains. He thumped up to the counter and
grumbled, “Hey chicken, time you to lay me a golden egg.”
“For the last time I’m a rooster and
I Can’t Lay Eggs!” the golden rooster exclaimed.
The giant ignored
the rooster’s pleas and scratched his head.
Suddenly he turned his head to the refrigerator and sniffed around. “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman.”
“I’m Canadian you
idiot!” yelled Red, accidentally blowing her cover. The giant dove down and grabbed her. Red escaped from his grasp and ran up his
hairy arm and on to his bald scalp. She
jumped on to the counter where the rooster was.
“Fly birdie fly,” she gasped as she grabbed him.
“Has everybody gone crazy? I’m a rooster, I can’t fly, and I cannot lay
eggs!” Suddenly a strong breeze
lifted Red and the rooster off the counter and out of the castle. They wafted all the way to the almond stalk
and started climbing down. Unbeknownst
to anybody, rats were eating the bottom of the almond stalk. Red and the golden rooster landed on the
ground and ran away from Red’s house.
When the giant tried to climb down, his weight broke the stalk he
crashed into Red’s house and died.
“That was fun,”
Red excitedly said.
“I think I will
need to go see a psychiatrist after this,” the golden rooster responded.
“The only thing
I’m wondering is where I will live because there is a giant just crushed my
house!”
“You can have
these Canadian dollars if you want” As he flashed out 1 million Canadian
dollars.
“How did you get
those?”
“You see, my
father was a king and when he died the bird kingdom was open to my brothers and
I. Lucky for me is that my 57 brothers
all caught Avian Flu and died so I obtain the throne and all the money I
want. I need to get to my subjects, but
if you ever need just IM me”
“Thanks for the
money,” Red gratefully said. “Life will
be easy now”
Or so she thought! Dum Dum Dum!
2 weeks later
“What is it, what
do you want,” The Flammivomous Dragon roared.
“The giant just
got killed your Majesty,” the messenger squealed.
So they are people that could be able to
kill me, The Flammivomous Dragon
thought. “I think I need to destroy this
little town”
“How are you going
to that?” The messenger asked.
“Fool! I will just start a conflagration! Mu Ha Ha Ha! Mu Ha Ha Ha! They will never know what burned them!”
“What will happen
to us,” The messenger whimpered.
“Maybe we’ll go
the Japan and start a grill and sushi bar.
Before that I shall cause that inferno!
The Flammivomous Dragon
yelled.
Miles away Red and
her grandmother were relaxing in their new mansion. They had almost everything the wanted. Pool tables and bowling alleys, but best of
all, all the Canadian maple syrup they wanted, which was a lot. One day Red decides that she want to go out
to buy herself a cashmere jacket with a hood.
While walking she saw the messenger and wondered what he was doing.
“What are you
doing my good man,” Red asked.
“I’m trying to
figure out what place is the best for my master to start a fire,” the messenger
responded
“Who is your
master,” Red wondered
“The Flammivomous Dragon. He is going to burn this town down and go
to Japan and start a grill and sushi bar.”
“Why?”
“Because sushi is
very delicious and many people…”
“Not that the
burning of the town,” Red snapped”
“Because someone
killed the giant and he thinks this town is a threat.”
How will I get out of this mess, Red
thought. “Well bye” Red scurried off to
a tiny clothing store. “May I buy a
fireproof cashmere jacket? I’ll need it
for the imminent blaze that will destroy this town.”
“Here you go” as
the old lady grabbed one that was right beside her.
“How much do I
have to pay” Red asked
“It’s okay. We all
going to die anyway, right?”
“Not if I have
anything to do about it” If I do, Red
thought. Red ran out the door.
“Then in that case
you owe me five thousand dollars” she
yelled out at Red.
Red decided to go
on a dangerous mission. To infiltrate The Flammivomous Dragon’s secret lair, which
wasn’t so secret, it was right next door.
She walked next door and rang the doorbell but no answer. Finally a guard asked, “What is your business
here.”
“Big guard, big
guard, may I come in,” Red asked.
“Not by the by the
hairs of my very hairy back,” The guard answered.
“Then I’ll huff
and I’ll puff until I blow this lair down”
“You will?”
“I’ll try” For
hours Red tried and tried but she couldn’t blow down the lair.
“What was that
horrible sound?” The Flammivomous Dragon
yelled, “Just let that item in.” Red
scurried into the enormous lair. The
lair was elegant and grand. Objects from
foreign nations dotted the walls ceilings. The
Flammivomous Dragon led Red to what he called “The Evil Room”. They sat down some North Carolina couch and
started to talk. “So good old chap,” The Flammivomous Dragon said in a not
so Canadian accent, “What can an evil neighbor do for you.”
“May you please
not destroy the town,” Red pleaded.
“I have to, but if
you want you can work for me in my sushi bar”
“Well, I do love
sushi.” At that moment she jumped up and grabbed one of the Japanese swords on
the wall. “Never will I join you. I don’t need to work; I have all the money I
could want.”
“You would have
been a good employee, but now you shall die!” The Flammivomous Dragon said in more of a Swedish accent.
Yeah it sort of ends. Guess I didn't finish it.
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